WHEN DO YOU...

Internet,
Here is a question that has been plaguing us at the Sorority for sometime...at what point when you are dating someone do you sleep with them?  We Sorority girls had a recent meeting and chatted at length about this. 

DiDi - I made it only to the 2nd date with Wilson.  Excessive alcohol, lobster and his cuteness all worked against me.  I was going to try to hold out for date 3 so as to not appear whorish but didn't make it.   Apparently I am the skank of the group!

Mellie - date 3 with the Jew.  Again, wine involved. 

ReRe - has made it to date 4 before doing the deed.  Mellie and I consider this seriously saintlike behavior and we are considering revolking her relationship in the Sorority if she doesn't raise her skank level somewhat. 

Dear Internet - what is your answer on this.  What do you think is appropriate hold out time vs skanky?  Enquiring minds want to know! 

ALL EMPLOYEE MEETING

So we had an all employee meeting and all the new employees were introduced and had to say something about themselves

I wanted to say many things - none of which were appropriate like "Am sarcastic, cynical and I think funny.  Love pretty shoes, purses and a good bottle of wine.   Have a blog and read the words of some amazing women and oh yeah - am really happy to be here!"

Instead I say how happy I was to be there and am looking forward to meeting and working with everyone!  I think the first paragraph was much more interesting!

Also, when I told Wilson that I had an All Employee meeting, he asked if I wore my prettiest shoes.  Does he know me or what!  God I love that man!!

...and yes I did!  Black patent leather Mary Jane Cole Haans.

FIRST WEEK OVER - WOEFULLY UNINFORMED!

Well my first week is over and I am still gainfully employed!  But boy-oh-boy has my life changed!  My new office blocks all social networking (Facebook, Flickr, Blogger sites) as well as all entertainment sites.  I feel so out of touch - like my mother or something.  However, then they started throwing work my way and I quickly realized that I will no longer have time for this shiz throughout the day. 

I have missed you dear internet!  Fill me in on what's happening.  Who's sleeping with who?  What is new and different?  Give a poor, uninformed girl the deets!

SO LONG SLACKER!

Tomorrow I start my new job!  I have left the relative safety of a job where I did what I wanted when I want and now will actually work for a living.  WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!  I haven't been nervous about a job, any job in such a long time.  I know that this change is good for me but holy crap - I am NERVOUS! 

So this slacker bids you all a fond farewell.  The next time you hear from me - I will be a full-fledged worker bee!

So long slacker girl - it has been a fun ride!

HOW TO GET GOOD GIFTS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

Buried under my resentment of turning a year older is the joy of receiving birthday gifts!  This year Wilson outdid himself (and he really had to after the fiasco of last year!)   Fiasco description - last year, I inadvertantly bought my own birthday gift - a camera bag.  We got a really nice camera for a wedding gift and Wilson had harped at me that we had to get a camera bag to protect the shiny, new camera.  When I told him that I bought a new camera bag he said "Great, that is your birthday present!"  Cue the ensuing argument about gifts and effort. 

However, this year he bought me not 1 but 2 Burberry bags, a camera knapsack and a UV filter for our telephoto lens. 

I love the blessed plaid so much!  Wilson is happy that I have stopped nagging his ass for a pretty purse.  Also, I am hysterical that he bought me a camera bag again, but he is SO tired of hearing me complain that I can't fit all our camera equipment into the bag "he" bought me last year. 

Complaining = good gifts!  I must remember this for next year!!!!

BROKEN VA-JAY-JAY

Muffy may have broken her ass but last night I broke my va-jay-jay! I wish I were kidding but, dear internet, y'all know what a walking klutz I am and how I should avoid, but somehow never do, anything that could and will most likely cause me an injury. How does one do break their va-jay-jay you ask? Sit back, pour yourself a glass of something and listen to my tale of woe!


Wilson came home from a 'work' trip. Pardon my sarcasm here but any 'work' trip that involves 2 rounds of golf, much drinking, staying at a REALLY nice resort and as he says it 'networking' still spells BOONDOGGLE to me in any language. But I digress. So of course Arthur is so happy to see his daddy and they are in the back yard playing catch with the Kong ball (that is Arthur is catching and Wilson is throwing).


Wilson accidentally throws the ball into our neighbour’s yard and then looks at me and says "You have shoes on can you go and get it?" This is where I should have said - 'you threw the damn thing there - you go and get it as I am about do something REALLY important and fetch myself an adult beverage' and yet, for some stupid reason I said OK.


I start to climb over our decrepit fence (held together only by good wishes and termites) and Wilson says "Don't climb over in the middle, climb near a post as it isn't very strong". Again, where was my common sense (apparently on vacation) as I forgot how accident-prone I am and did not immediately get off the fence and tell him to get the stupid ball his damn self. I moved closer to a post and get one leg over and while balancing myself to bring my other leg over, the fence broke and I fell onto the top board and, yes you guessed it, what broke my fall was my vagina. And OWWWW!


Wilson helps me off the fence and I do what any woman in pain does - walk into the house and poured myself a LARGE glass of wine - for medicinal purposes of course. I moan and complain about my broken va-jay-jay until Wilson says did you look at it to make sure all is OK. And of course you know the answer to that is no. I was much more interested in my 'medicine'. I look at it - as best as I can - and HOLY SHIT - I really did a good number on it. Poor va-jay-jay!


Needless to say - I placed the blame squarely on Wilson's shoulders and tried to make him feel all guilty and stuff - and told him that they only thing that would make me feel better is a pretty new whatever-I-want to start my new job. All that got was a damn raised eyebrow. BASTARD!


Y'all know I am milking this for all it is worth this weekend. I can already see this scenario playing out - Wilson will ask me to help/do something that will interrupt me reading/napping/whatever and my response will be as follows -- “I can't insert some job that I don't want to do because in trying to be a good wife and help you, I BROKE MY VAGINA, so you will need to do it."


Lesson learned by DiDi - never put off getting a glass of wine in order to help husband. Bad, bad things come of it.

MANY BLOG POSTS ALL AT ONCE...

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY...
and KK for her blog award.  I truly never thought anyone besides ReRe and Mellie would read it (and both of them read this only because it is automatically sent to them) and that KK was kind of enough to acknowledge my wee little blog with a Brilliante Award - I am truly grateful.  You rock KK - and I love your blog!

And now it is my turn to pass it on...

Fanfrickingtastic

Mama's Losin It

From the house of Emily

Jemima

Nothing but Bonfires

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UNEMPLOYMENT

I finished my job last Friday but before I left, ReRe made sure that I had one helluva send off.  There were many embarrassing moments and much laughter.  It felt good to say good bye.  And now, for one week any way, I am unemployed - sort of.  I have spa and hair appointments set up as well as lunches with friends.  The only thing standing between me living this life everday is that damn lottery win.  Seriously, I would make a really good lady who lunches (and shops and spas...)!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

PEDICURES

Are really a gift from God!  Nothing is nicer (on a Monday no less) than to look down at VERY PRETTY toes.  But the best part is that you got those while everyone else you know was working.  I have not yet decided which I liked more today - getting the pedi or emailing friends while I was getting the pedi.  Both were fun!

Whew!  I am now up-to-date!  I must go and have a glass of wine now to recuperate.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID IT!

Internet - you will NEVER believe what has happened to me in the last 2 days!  I just quit my job of 8 1/2 years to go to a new place.  How the hell does that happen? 

I am leaving behind me a cushy life where I came and went whenever I felt like it, wore pretty much whatever I wanted and did whatever I pretty much damned will pleased(which equated to me blogging, commenting and doing a lot on my Flickr account all from the comfort of my desk). 

Now I am going to a place where I have to perform, meet and exceed expectations and actually work for a living.    Also, my commute goes from nothing to everything - so I will be come one of THOSE people - a COMMUTER!  THE HELL! What am I thinking?

Oh yeah - the thing that made me jump up and down and scream in a Horshack kind of way - Oh! Oh! Oh!Oh!Oh! - was the cool stuff that I get to work on - like the 2010 Olympics.  When they were saying stuff like horrible commute, never see your husband, work for free all I heard in my ears was "WORK ON THE OLYMPICS!  WORK ON THE OLYMPICS!".    You can see my attention span is still functioning at its ever lovin best! 

Internet, please don't think I don't love you anymore if I don't talk to you as much because I do.  Just remember it is not safe for me to comment and drive at the same time. 

MAMMA MIA!

Lordy lordy - there are many reasons to see Mamma Mia and Pierce Brosnan, for me, is VERY high on the list.  This man is HOT to me.  Other reasons - Abba, Abba and more Abba.  First Sex in the City and now Pierce and Abba in one movie - 2 helpings of happiness pie in one summer! 

PS - Abba is not cheesy!
PPS - OK, so it might be a bit cheesy but who among us doesn't like cheese?  Eeezackly!
PPPS - Yes, I know that Colin Firth is in this movie as well and I love him too but Pierce is so damn sexy that I lose all ability to form a cohesive thought.  I also adore Colin Firth and meant no slight to Mr. Darcy!

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

One year ago today, we said good bye to our sweet girl Maggie.  Never has their been such a good dog, who loved her people so well.  We did our best to love her back as she deserved and give her the life she should have had all along. 

Her story before she came to us was not a pretty one - but the minute she entered my life on October 31, 1999 it all changed - for both of us.  Because of her I learned to appreciate my neighbourhood in ways I'd never considered before.  Because of her, I met amazing friends and learned the value of a good walk - no matter the weather.  Three years later Wilson met her and fell in love with both of us and we became a family.  She was with me for 8 amazing years and while lots of people say she was lucky to have found me - I was really the lucky one.

So today I remember her sweet personality and her amazing ability to love and am very happy that she was mine and I was hers. 

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY I LOVE MY TIDE STICK!

There is a reason why ReRe says I should be banned from wearing white - I am a spiller. Here I was sitting at my desk, eating my lunch and reading blogs - really bothering no one. Then all of a sudden - BAM! My lunch decided to make a break for it and tried to escape via my white shirt.

What was I eating you ask dear Internet??? SPAGHETTI WITH TOMATO SAUCE!

Sigh...Sometimes I amaze myself with what an idiot I can be. Excuse me while I dig out my Tide stick out of my purse and try to fix this debacle. Talk amongst yourselves while I remove my lunch from my shirt.

LATEST MEETING OF THE SORORITY (otherwise known as dinner with a lot of wine)

Minutes of the latest meeting of The Sorority. I know that most of the internet will not find this as funny as we do but I howled when ReRe sent these through. God I love us!

- ReRe trumps DiDi's age crisis with 40-kids-single trifecta
- Mellie contemplating mistress lifestyle due to post-wedding woo and present decline
- DiDi and ReRe suggest possible downside to mistress lifestyle, burst mistress lifestyle bubble
- All in agreement marriage = death of woo
- Except DiDi content with Wilson Woo, a subtle but highly appreciated (by her anyway) form of woo, not an Asian man (who would have a small penis and therefore who would want his woo anyway?). Wilson Woo only happens when either been away for 3+ days or intoxicated.
- Mellie also appreciative of also-subtle Jew Woo, consisting largely of occasional "you look nice" comments but insufficient kissing
- DiDi and ReRe appalled at insufficient kissing
- ReRe not one to talk given current relationship with jacuzzi
- ReRe & Mellie grant DiDi permission to drink at all weddings - however all in agreement that DiDi should NEVER volunteer to plan a friend's wedding again.
- ReRe near suicidal at mention of word "wedding"
- Jew wants big boat
- Jew working hard ... on tanning
- All highly amused at vision of Jew camping in Lacoste polo and Rolex
- All considered delightful (though klutzy) drunks
- ReRe explained burn-like injury due to "I was drunk and I fell down"
- DiDi enjoying unfamiliar status as second klutziest. Unprecedented lack of soy sauce spilling (I was wearing black so soy spillage near impossible to detect)
- Mellie & DiDi concur husbands prone to dumping in case of substantial weight gain
- ReRe unable to share concern due to ongoing lack of husband
- 3 1/2 years with iPod man declared giant mystery
- iPod man's DiDi hatred declared overt, intense and highly amusing
- General iPod man mockery highly amusing
- DiDi and ReRe support Mellie's recent jewelry purchase; DiDi contemplating tennis bracelet purchase due to aforementioned post-wedding present shortage
- DiDi possibly grazed Mellie's arm due to tardiness-hunger combo
- ReRe's fake tan declared tan-like
- ReRe near suicidal due to constant engagement talk, also occurring during writing of minutes
- DiDi squashing ReRe's lunch-time income supplementation via prostitution plan due to footwear limitations
- Mellie & ReRe planning pedicure intervention
- Hoodia/TrimSpa phase remembered fondly by all

I HATE BACHELORETTE PARTIES!

I went to a stagette last night where I was the OLDEST person there. I am so not kidding about that. Here are some of the highlights of the evening!

• I heard more times than I can count that "Wow! You look REALLY good for being almost 42!"
• I rode on a school bus with a hardwood floor and a stripper pole AND karaoke
• For many of the girls there - I their worst nightmare. I married Wilson at 40 and as they are all 30 and under thought when they heard that I got married at 40 - they thought to themselves Eeeek! I hope I am not as old as her when I get married! I have seen the look before so I know when girls think that.
• I also did the math - when I turn 50 none of those girls will yet be 40. God - it is 9:30 am and just writing that sentence makes me want to start drinking again.
• EVERYONE else got carded while walking into the first bar - EXCEPT ME! The doorman just waved me through. The hell? Why not card the ENTIRE group. Why single me out as the person most in need of Botox!

I will say that I rocked a pair of navy Stuart Weitzman's, took my new early birthday Burberry purse, wore my Citizen of Humanity jeans. I may have been the oldest person there but I looked good. Being old does have its advantages - you can afford really nice accessories.
Then I came home, called ReRe and bitched mightily about the evening while drinking 1/2 a bottle of wine that was left on our counter.
I hate bachelorette parties!
PS - to add insult to injury, Arthur decided to chew my beautiful navy blue Stuart Weitzmans. He has never chewed a shoe before but decided to pick today to experiment with shoes. I am going for some retail therapy - replace my shoes and shop until I feel better.

I AM A DADDY'S GIRL

For all of you celebrating Father's Day today - I say "Happy Dad's Day to you all!" On this day where we formally say thanks for everything, I wanted to share with you the reasons why I love my dad.

• he bought me my first dress and I wore it home from the hospital
• he taught me how to tell a joke-
• he had to emigrate to Canada at a very young age, all alone and live with people he had never met and he never saw his parents again and yet somehow he learned how to be an amazing parent
• he is the proudest grandparent I have ever met
• he showed me what real love - the kind that last forever - looks like
• he made me learn how to change a tire on a car
• he told me I could be or do anything if I only put my mind to it
• he showed me, by example, how to have a happy marriage
• he showed me, by how he treats my mom, how a man should love a woman
• most of all, he showed me what I needed to find for myself - a kind, loving man with a sense of humour and the ability to laugh at himself and thank Jebus I did.

For these reasons and so many more that there is not enough blog space in the world to write them all, I love my dad. I hope I have many more Father's Days with him to tell him over and over how much I love and appreciate him.
Happy Father's Day Daddy!

DEAR LOTTERY

Dear Lottery,

I write this letter in protest because I have done nothing other than be an utterly faithful, loyal purveyor of your goods. I never miss a week. I buy multiple products. In other words I contribute substantially to your upkeep. What is my point you ask - well here it is.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START GIVING BACK TO ME!

I am sorry - did that seem like I was raising my virtual voice. It is only my frustration of not having won a jackpot that makes me a bit crazy. I have done nothing but praise you and support you for years and you still have yet to really reward me appropriately.

I am not asking to win the entire gigantic jackpot - but a portion of one would be just fine with me. Did you note my unselfishness? I am only reminding you that we have a mortgage and I would like to not work anymore due to the fact that I hate it.

As I have indicated to you on many past occasions, I would only do good works with the money. Assist my aged parents, contribute to charities, add to the local economy - and so much more. Also, having me win the economy would be good for the environment - as I would not have to drive to work, a lottery win would help reduce our carbon footprint and better the air quality for all concerned. Lastly, we are not ugly people and would look good in the paper when you take our photo holding onto the giant cheque. I know that you have your reputation to think of and do not want any unattractive people to be associated with you - you have your standards and I totally understand that. I hope this helps you better understand how a jackpot or part thereof for us would really be a good thing for all concerned.

With all of the aforementioned evidence, you can see that we are the ideal candidates for a winning lottery ticket. I urge you to once again, please consider my request.

I remain faithfully yours,

DiDi

SMELLS LIKE?

So there I was on Friday - yearning to be home and with my sweet husband and pooch and away from the city where I had to wear Man Pants - so I changed my flight to an earlier time and off to the airport I went. I checked in through the obligatory machine, waited in the line for the bag tag, pretty much stripped to my skivvies for security and then sat my ass at the gate to wait for my flight.

It's called and I think to myself that I am headed home - YIPEEEEE! I march to my seat - 17D, an aisle and close to the front of the plane - SO HAPPY. I sit down and am immediatly overcome by an odour - of unwashed person. I discreetly sniff under my arms and can determine that it is not me, there is no one across the aisle from me so it must be the man in 17F - the window seat. Mother-of-pearl that smell is bad - so bad that I move my nose into my shirt so that I can smell the fabric softener I use instead of him. How can someone allow themselves to smell like this? How is such a smell possible? Can he not smell himself? Was he traumatized by Psycho as a child and now can no longer step into a shower without the immenient fear of death? These are the questions that are running through my mind when I realize that I must endure this heinous smell for 4 long, torturous hours. I have determined that God, she is really pissed at me for something I did.

A man comes and sits in the middle seat and I have a barrier betwixt me and the unwashed man. Halleujah!!! I can still smell him but it is fainter and blocked by the human taking the scent bullet for me - and for that I am eternally grateful to the man in 17E.

This ends my tale of business travel as I am home, safe from man pants and smelly men. It makes me want to click my heels together and say "There's no place like home!"

MORE TRAVEL TALES

When I began packing for this trip to Calgary - I knew that I didn't need much - comfortable clothes to fly in, a good book, black pants and branded shirt for the trade show floor makeup, blow dryer, skin products, etc. All was packed into my suitcase and off I headed to Calgary.

I arrive, take out clothes and hang them up to get rid of the wrinkles in the shirt and pants and this morning I go to put them on only to discover I brought my husband's pants instead of my own. I am wearing man pants! MAN PANTS! MAN PANTS!!! I'm sorry - perhaps I should say trousers. I AM WEARING TROUSERS!

If I had known this piece of information yesterday when I was in the mall shopping (3 new tops at Banana Republic) I would have thrown a nice pair of pants into the mix as well. The only silver lining to this story is that I am feeling thin in the pants. Thank Jebus that my husband is not a skinny minny or I would have been so screwed.

However bad your day may be today - you can always think to yourself "At least I am not DiDi today who is wearing her husband's TROUSERS at a trade show".

BUSINESS TRAVEL - LOVE IT OR HATE IT???

Last week, I spent a scintillating week in our fair capital city of Ottawa, Ontario and will be spending 3 days in Calgary this week - both trips for a series of trade shows - and after travelling for work for the last 17 years I can honestly say that I feel meh about it anymore.



I used to love it - this was of course in the good old days when I actually got to travel to nice places (Madrid, London, Monaco), fly business class and have a VERY healthy expense account. However, even that got old after a while when you realize that your friends are having a great time without you; you haven't had a date in months because you are never home; you really want a dog but can't have one because you are never home and finally you are ALWAYS tired and not fun to be around.

So I found myself a job where I can still do what I love and travel very little. I don't mind the travel so much or the hotel - it is just the bother of it all. So here are my pros and cons of business travel

Pros
- airline points for future personal travel
- room service
- shopping in different cities
- trying new restaurants
- hotel points to be used for personal travel
- ordering movies from the comfort of your hotel bed
- being able to sleep sideways, diagonally or whatever direction I so choose in the lovely king sized hotel bed

Cons
- sitting on a plane with Typhoid Mary sitting beside you hacking all over you and your book
- all of those damn restrictions in the airport
- having to pay for airport water because the damn terrorists
- not being able to sleep beside my handsome husband
- missing my dog
- dry hotel rooms
- eating alone

Hmmm - equal pro to con ratio. I guess that means I better zip it and stop the whining. Never fear dear Internet - I will do my best to find something else to bitch about and get back to you shortly.

PS - HATE TRAVEL! My flight got screwed up and I am now sitting at the airport, waiting for my flight that is now at 3pm. My original flight was for 12:00 noon but I have been rescheduled for 3pm. Gotta love the 4 hour layover at the airport!!!!!

AND WHAT A YEAR IT HAS BEEN...

Today our sweet boy Arthur is one year old - and what a year it has been. Neither Wilson or I had had a puppy in years and we were woefully unprepared for the experience. Having said that - I wouldn't take back a single moment - umm, ok maybe the time Arthur bit my va-jay-jay with his needle-like puppy teeth.

Arthur - 9 weeks old

Watching him discover our neighbourhood, one lamp post, blade of grass and driveway at a time has been a truly wonderful experience. Somehow, before we knew it, the sweet puppy face was gone and this amazingly handsome dog was living in our house. In the course of a year we have gone from 9.2 pounds to 70 lbs; from 11 inches long to so big we don't even measure anymore and from needing to be carried most places to running so fast that he is a blur.

Arthur - 1 year old (at Grandma & Grandpa's farm)

He is our boy and we love him dearly and he loves us back more than humanly possible. He has brought us to tears with laughter, filled our hearts with joy after the sorrow of losing our beloved Maggie, reminds us daily of how to love unconditionally but most of all, he made us a family of 3.

Happy birthday buddy!

HOLIDAY WEEKEND

Here is the summary of my holiday weekend:

• planted, planted and then planted some more - and still have more to do
• shopped for the last time at Pottery Barn with a 40% discount. Thanks B - the last 7 years have been kind to me. But seriously - do you have to quit?
• consumed LOTS of wine
• one hangover
• one take out dinner due to aforementioned hangover
• watched a lot of TV due to rain ALL weekend and aforementioned hangover

What didn't we do?

• get to spend ANY time on our boat because it was too damn cold and rainy ALL damn weekend

Trying not to whine because it was a good long weekend - just wish it had been a tad warmer! However - a 4-day work week is utterly divine! Happy Tuesday everyone!!