Monday, May 29, 2006


My friend Sharon sent this to me and I laughed out loud when I read it. Laughed at the humour and in embarrassment as I have totally done most of these things. One would think that with the milestone birthday coming up that I would become more mature and not do this shit anymore but NOPE!!! - still an idiot when I drink to much.

Have a laugh on me...

When woman drink too much...

  • We have no idea where our purse is
  • We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling 'Woo Hoo' is truly the sexiest dance move around
  • We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too
  • In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just a mere 4 hours ago
  • We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much
  • We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because 'Oh my God - I LOVE this song!!!"
  • We've found a deeper, spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us
  • We've suddenly taken up smoking and become REALLY good at it
  • We yell at the bartender - who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade - but that is just because we can no longer taste the gin/vodka/rum/rye - whatever
  • We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop)
  • We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it
  • We take our shoes off because we believe it is their fault that we're having problems walking straight
  • We get up to go pee in the morning and think - gosh, I feel so good after that night of drinking - I am just going to go back to bed and sleep a little more. Then you wake up after that nap and you have never felt worse.

I have not done all of those things at once but I have done most of them. Here is an original DiDi drunk moment...

- come home and go to bed. Wake up a couple of hours later and feel really, really sick. You think to yourself, maybe you should go lay down on the bathroom floor as a preventive measure. You lay down on the mat with a towel for a blanket and have a nap (I call it a nap, some call it passing out).

Again, I realize that as an almost 40 year old woman, I should not be a wacko - but every once in a while the wacko rears her pretty red head!!!!



My 40th is fast approaching and I am NOT handling it well. I resent people who are younger than me - especially when they say stupid stuff like - "Gosh I am getting so old, I am almost 30". It is all I can do not to give them a good swift kick in the shins. Then I realize that I am more confident than I have ever been, am more comfortable in my skin and feel sexier now than when I was 30. The milestone birthdays bring so much angst in the build up and then they arrive and you think - "What was I so worried about?"

Having said that, I still love it when people say to me - "You're almost 40 - I would have never guessed that" or "You don't look 40 at all". I am not sure what 40 is supposed to look like - but as long as I don't look it - I am happy.

I am lucky to have a number of girlfriends who have reached this milestone before me and they are beautiful, sexy, smart, savvy, confident women who make 40 look good. I look to these women as examples and am trying to emulate their joie de vivre as much as I can. That being said - Mellie, you still need to age quicker!!!

My gorgeous girlfiend - the Doctor sent me this. I have read this before but appreciate it much more. Here it is for the internet to read...

This is for all you women 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 40's... AND for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!...

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
  • A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
  • If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
  • A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
  • Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
  • Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
  • Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
  • A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
  • Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
  • Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
  • Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Please share with your women friends over "40".

Andy Rooney
CBS 60 Minutes

While he is too old for me - as I like my men younger than me - I do love this man!!! Thank Andy - I do feel better about THAT BIRTHDAY now!


Friday, May 26, 2006


In every girl's life there are moments that are pivotal...

  • your first pair of REALLY nice shoes - mine were black patent leather Mary Jane's that my mom bought me when I was the flower girl in my brother's wedding. I was 6 and she also bought the foam that I could use the clean them. Thus began my love of black patent leather shoes
  • your first crush on a boy - mine was in Grade 1 and it was Jeff Mifflin. I got in trouble from the teacher for trying to kiss him (I was always ahead of my time). As I got older (Grade 4) I do remember saying to myself - "What were you thinking when you were 6 - he is a geek!"
  • Your first love. It came late for me - I was nineteen and had moved away from home to go to school and his name was Craig Westhaver. I gave him my heart, we got engaged (too young to know how stupid I was being) and then he broke my heart. He was also my first time - and wait for it - it was on Valentine's Day.
  • When you meet the person that you know you can make a life with, who also makes your heart skip a beat and whose kiss continually makes your toes curl with excitement.
For me that person is Wilson. He is so smart - he does math in his head (like calculus and everything - the stuff that makes me break-out in hives), makes me laugh a lot, is a human furnace - which I appreciate on those cold winter nights, damn fine looking and sexy as hell. He is not perfect but for me he is all that and a bag of chips. There have been so many moments that make me all squooshy about him - like the first time Maggie decided she really liked him and laid her head on his arm - he became a pile of goo on the couch and is still goo-like when it comes to her; the first time he reached for my hand at the In-water Boat Show; the first time he said 'I love you' first; that on our first Christmas together, he picked up my sister and 2 nephews at the airport and drove them to meet me at my parents and he had never met them yet; that he is kind to my developmentally challenged brother; that he is a good and true friend; that he calls me on my crap; that he calls ReRe and Mellie just that cuz I do and so so so much more. But mostly I love him just because he is him - good points, bad points and all the inbetween points.

We have had our ups and downs and weathered some mighty rough seas but we are together now and just knowing that he stands with me and supports me when facing tough issues means more to me than he will ever know. Wilson, I love you lots and now the internet knows too.


Wednesday, May 24, 2006


We had a hysterical Victoria Day weekend - but the build-up was anything but.

Let me explain...about a month ago, Wilson had a discussion with one of his best friends, Fatso (how men can call a friend that and still have him be a friend - is beyond my girl brain) about the long weekend and what were they going to do. No one had concrete plans so Wilson invites them up and that was that...or so we thought. Four weeks pass and we don't hear from them and we forget about the invite. Last Wednesday, Wilson calls Fatso to catch up and asks him what his plans are for the weekend. And yup, you guessed it, they were coming to our house. Key points to remember here is that I have just finished moving in (read exhausted) and we are really in no position to have guests (read boxes everywhere, bedroom not ready, etc) but we HAUL ASS! and manage to get our abode ready (we kind of have a fight during the process but all was made well the next day).

Friday arrives and I have taken the day off as I have planned a DiDi day of beauty. New hair, new toes, new nails and a facial - it is all good! However, due to weekend guests, I must now add getting sustenance for the hordes to the DiDi Day of Beauty agenda. And so that I get all that he wants, Wilson has given me a lengthy list - And I do mean lengthy!!! That man does love his lists let me tell you.

By 2:15 p.m. - I am supposed to be on my way to the 2nd stop of DiDi's Day of Beauty (the new nails part) but alas I am not. I am at home, unloading groceries ($270 worth - and it must be said that I spent more on the food than I did on my hair) as well as unloading a spew of pissy-ness (I just made a word) on Wilson (who was at work). Holy crap I was cranky - the traffic sucked, the grocery story was crowded, people were annoying and no one stopped me to tell me I had really nice hair - WHICH I DID PEOPLE!!! Would a compliement have killed any of you in Loblaws????? Seriously - a pretty girl with KICK ASS hair at a grocery store is not all that common at 1:00 p.m. on a Friday afternoon!!!

Wilson is all - "thank you sweetie, you are the best DiDi ever! I appreciate your hard work sweetie and now just run out of the house and finish your DiDi Day of Beauty. I will finish the list never you worry. I KNOW what he was really thinking - "What kind of freak have I let move into my house? All I want to do is enjoy the weekend and now I am living with Sybil". I believe at that moment he wondered what chemicals Greg had put in the hair dye as I was not the same happy person who left the house that morning.

I get to my nail appointment (late by the way) and the stress begins to leave my body as I am being massaged in a chair and dead skin is being scraped off of my feet - this is utter bliss to me. There is no better bliss than Cozy Nails with their free smoothies, inexpensive pedis. Sharper Image massage chairs and FREE chocolate. Sybil slowly recedes and DiDi comes back - with soft skin, files nails and pretty pink toes. I am truly a better person when I leave Cozy Nails.

I leave Heaven (A.K.A Cozy Nails) to go home and see my beloved and have time to decompress before the hordes descend. I think about how I need to have a shower, put on some make-up, etc and of course, smooch my handsome man who I yelled at earlier. As I pull up to the house, I notice cars in the driveway. Welcome back Sybil! It had been 2 whole hours since you last showed up!!!! FUCK was said a number of times out loud in the car!!! There went the decompression time, the shower, everything!!!! Eddie and Ponch were in the house with Wilson having barley sandwiches waiting for Fatso and Vicks. Ponch called it - frankly I think Wilson tipped him off that I was now Sybil - and said "Bet you thought you would get 30 minutes alone in your own house before everyone got here! Wrong!!!!". You know that I am screaming FUCK!!!! in my head but say - "Oh no - it is fine!!!".

I walk into the kitchen with Wilson and notice a large bouquet of flowers on the table from Wilson and Sybil recedes. He wanted me to know that he was sorry the DiDi Day of Beauty was not the stress free day it was supposed to be. He then walks Maggie and I get to stay at home with Eddie and Ponch and an alcoholic beverage. Have I mentioned how much I love that man! So sweet to me, brought me flowers and I was a raving bitch to him. Hmmm - mental note, become raving lunatic Sybil bitch more often...

Wilson returns and he, Eddie and Ponch call Fatso. Fatso then mentions that he invited Wild Bill for the weekend...the boys look out the front window and, yup - you guessed it again, Wild Bill is walking up the driveway. At this point I am in the kitcen making dinner for all. Wilson comes in to update me and at this point I have to laugh. Sybil has again receded and DiDi is back. It will be a good weekend after all.

Fatso and the Vicks arrive shortly thereafter and MUCH alcohol begins to be consumed. Did I mention MUCH alcohol. Wilson and I make dinner for 7 - and it rocked. Teriyaki salmon on the BBQ, balsalmic potatoes/onions/mushrooms cooked also on the BBQ and a fantastic salad. Not only that - totally donned my Martha Stewart hat and baked an Angel Food cake to go with the fresh strawberries and raspberries I purchased inbetween beauty appointments. God I rock!!! Our wine fridge stocks were totally depleted that evening. Wilson tallied it up the next day and here is what was consumed - 7 bottles of wine and a case and a half of beer for 9 people. Our friends are alcoholics - that is why we love them.

At this point, Mary Jane (as my mother used to call it) Herb joins the party. Love her and her little buds of stoner goodness. Fatso establishes a 'work station' and begins his role of roller extrordinaire. All in attendance are now very full, happy and very REEEELLAAXXXXEDDD!!! My stomach hurts from all the laughter. Much hilarity ensues and Mary Jane makes everyone happy. I had the best seat in the house as I was sitting beside Wild Bill - King of the One Liners - and he was hot on Friday nite. Between the tokes and Wild Bill - I cannot remember when I have laughed that much. Especially when Wild Bill decided that he ate too much and went and put his jammies on then comes back to the table.

At about 9:30 p.m., Eggsy and The Young'n show up to see Fatso and The Vicks. At this point, there are 2 women, nay girls, at the table under the age of 30. I feel Sybil making her return to the party!!! Eddie announces that we need more wine and Sybil says out loud - 'Make The Young'n as she is the youngest'. Yup - Sybil is in fine form.

The Vicks goes and gets the wine - which is appropriate as she is the 2nd youngest and also brings much bottled water. At this point - we bring out the Stoner Buffet (A.K.A Snacks). Fatso utters his best line of the weekend which was - "DiDi, you know what would be good right now - SNACKS!!!!!!!". You have never seen grown men fight over Nilla wafers and low fat Cool Whip like they did at our dining room table. It!Was!Hilarious! In total, 4 bags of mini rice cakes, 1 box of Nilla wafers, 1/2 container of low fat Cool Whip, 1 box granola bars and 3 bags of microwave popcorn was consumed. Then I went to bed and Fatso ate much of the contents of our fridge - 1/2 a container of hoummous, ham, prosciutto and olives.

At some point during the evening, The Young'n took herself into the den for a wee nap. Sybil receded at this point because - she may be young but has no stamina. I have may be as old as dirt, but can still hang with the best of them. Needless to say, once The Young'n did this, the Vicks could go as she outlasted the youngest in the room. Eggsy was not happy as The Young'n was to drive him home so they could leave to visit his parents (4 hour drive) the next day. You know that your relationship can make it when you survive a road trip, hungover and you are going to visit the parents. I think they left around 4am - not sure. I am sure that it was a quiet drive for those 2. I can only imagine the passive-agressive and sarcastic comments flying around during that drive - but I could be projecting what I would do. They could have been fine.

All in all, it was a great start to the weekend. Much more laughter and we saw the DaVinci code. Sybil is in recession for a while - but she never stays away very long.


Monday, May 15, 2006


I have cleaned out the old pad and have officially moved back in with Wilson! All items that are to stay are in our house (note the use of the word 'our' in front of house) and the rest is in the garage for a church around the corner who has an annual garage sale. I realize this good deed will not get me into heaven or even close to it but it does mean that we don't have to store it or sell it and that is a good thing.

Next weekend is entirely ours - no packing and hauling, no schlepping, NOTHING!!! Just blessed relaxation on our (again the use of the word 'our') boat.

Well Wilson, the 2nd time around is better. I do love you lots and all of my friends have decreed that they will never move me again, so this had better work.

Ain't love grand!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Oh what a day! Sun was shining and the temperature was in the mid 70s. ReRe and I both wore cute capris and...wait for it - OPEN TOED SHOES!!!!!!!! Oh happy day!!!! There is nothing better than the beginning of summer and the wearing of cute summer clothes and open-toed shoes!!!!

We love nice weather but more importantly we lurve open toed shoes!!!!

Bring on the sunshine and more days for open toed shoes!!!


Monday, May 01, 2006


My fellow sorority sisters are HILARIOUS!!! Here are some emails that were flying around after the last set of Minutes were distributed:

Mellie's Dwarf Name
Upon much reflection and deep consideration, I believe my dwarf name would be spazie. It just has a more all encompasing description of moi. Otherwise I think it would be lumpy.

DiDi's Response
I vote for Lumpy - goes much better with Gunty and Thicky

ReRe's Response
Absolutely -- Lumpy 100%. ( Not that I think you're lumpy at all Mellie -- you'll always be a beautiful blonde shiksa to me) but I think Lumpy fits in much better with Gunty and Thicky. God we're so damn attractive!

Drunken ReRe post - the spelling is as received
By the way Melliehead, you'll be pleased to hear that DiDi and I both had mini-accidents today (though I wonder if you can truly call it an accident when you set out to do it, as in me today or when you book a personal shopper at Holt's).

Details: DiDi- The Gap (of course), under $200.00 -- many capris and tanks. Me - Zara (on a break between downtown meetings today, decided to ignore the horrificallly large sizes required to fit my very not Jewish ass into their clothes) bought a white jacket (not Theory but still, yeah!) Matching capris, brown capris, 3 tanks, a couple other thngs but can't remember what exactly as it was many glasses of wine ago.

Fyi -- pinning while intoxicated is much fun. Apologi2 for any typos. Must go back to boyfriend now and drink more wine )thank god for wine, right ladies?) Love you girls. Ciao bellas Oh my acciddent was $300.00 -- still well under 10 % of )ours. Mellie so I should keep shopping, right?

Mellie Response to Drunken post
My Dearest sorority sisters:
Let me start by saying how proud you make me - accidents of any size are wonderful. Hint: how to know when to stop shopping - after your inner you says you should really stop, and you've gone so far beyond that dollar figure that your inner you completely gives up and throws in the towel of talking good sense to you OR If your credit card actually exhibits burn marks from all the swiping OR VISA fraud centre calls and the clerk is instructed to look at your driver's licence - that is when it is likely you should call it a day.
I find the more wine I drink, the more money I spend, however, it may also interfere with your ability to tell if your ass does indeed look fat in those pants. That's why we only shop places with excellent return policies!!!

ReRe final response
Excellent points on all counts darling. One question though -- how exactly does one shop while drinking? Do you have a driver that I'm not aware of? Obviously one cannot be expected to take public transit. I'm baffled. Also if I were to shop while drunk I'm very afraid of what I might but. I might have a real (Mellie-style) accident. Mind you...that sounds fantastic. I am in for drunken shopping.

Does the Internet now understand why I love these ladies! Drunken shopping, drunken emails, drunken everything!


  • Stumpy the cat is not well – not that he walks well on a good day but is walking more like a drunken sailor than usual, Mellie is concerned
  • ReRe and DiDi determined that if Mellie can’t come to GNO, GNO will come to Mellie
  • DiDi goes to liquor store (the store where everything fits) and buys lots of wine
  • DiDi has VIP status at liquor store – it is the place where everyone knows her name
  • Pick up ReRe, call Mellie on swishy new Blackberry with speaker phone
  • Drive through stop sign due to paying attention to phone and not driving – NOT GOOD
  • Mellie orders the dinner before we arrive as we are all VERY HUNGRY (DiDi is eying ReRe’s arm as a snack but she is sick so DiDi decides to wait)
  • ReRe is sick and has taken multiple medications to avoid reaction to Stumpy (ability to breathe blessed oxygen critical) and not honk her poor nose until it falls off due to bad cold
  • Arrive at Mellie’s – driving DiDi’s car so ReRe does not need to park for DiDi
  • Jewemy is in residence as he has come home from a business trip and is also sick
  • Determined that all boys are very sucky when sick and that no one has ever been as sick as them ever before in the history of man
  • ReRe and DiDi have dressed especially for Jewemy – in his fave things – Yoga pants, running shoes and German tourist shoes a.k.a. Birkenstocks (Mellie is prohibited from wearing all of these items out of the house – esp German tourist shoes)
  • Jewemy (dressed in pullover, button-down shirt and flannels) laughs but we know is secretly thinking that Mellie’s friends dress very poorly when going out of the house
    Mr Pipe and slippers departs upper area of home as he is a boy and not allowed
  • Mellie has the box of Kleenex that is soft on her nose for ReRe
  • ReRe is happy!
  • The blessed grape has been poured and we are all enjoying
  • Hark – what is that but the dee-lightful sound of the ice cream truck
  • All sorority girls mouths immediately begin to water – dreams of soft ice cream begin
  • Let it be said that Mellie, not DiDi was the first spiller of the evening
  • DiDi too much and has to move glass over towards Mellie as she is driving the Honker home and was enjoying her wine A LOT!!!
  • DiDi and ReRe share their Sorority dwarf names – DiDi is Gunty and ReRe is Thicky.
  • Mellie must come up with her own dwarf name – Blondie is not acceptable
  • Sustenance arrives and massive consumption begins
  • Dinner clean up completed and sorority field trip to Dairy Queen begins
  • The Driving Queen (DiDi) drives her sorority sisters to Dairy Queen (land of dee-lightful ice cream)
  • All have small (but in actuality a lot of ice cream) with both hot fudge AND marshmallow
  • MMM MMM Good!!!
  • Dee-lightful goodness is eaten in DiDi’s car – 3 happy sorority sisters
  • Cruise back to Mellie’s house
  • Depart due to sick boy (Jewemy) and sick girl (Re
  • Re)
  • Determined ReRe is way better sick person as she drinks while taking copious amounts of medication and the world does not come to an end due to her cold
  • ReRe and DiDi leave Casa Mellie
  • Another good sorority adventure
Key notes from meeting

  • Sushi good
  • wine better
  • ice cream – FANTASTIC!
  • Head colds, bad
  • ReRe – a TROOPER!!!
  • Next event at DiDi’s house!!!