It is Passover and all must eat beige food - it is tradition! ReRe decided to host the first night of Passover at her house and provide all of her Goyim friends with a seder. However to assist with the Jew to Goyim ratio, her Aunt and Uncle also attended and amused all.
Here are some of the evening's hightlights:
Long discussion ensued of Jewemy being a long lost Jew trapped in a Waspy McWasp body
- DiDi shows Mellie her new Burberry headband (the cost per wear is now in single digits) and Mellie approves
- All WILDLY impressed with ReRe's Jew abilities
- Said Jew abilities include: a) innate ability to cook WAY too much food; b) ability to ignore usual health obsessions and happily serve meal with 5 carbohydrates; c) knowledge of extensive library of Hebrew songs; d) shameless willingness to sing said Hebrew songs (often solo) in front of all; e) thorough knowledge of Seder rituals
f) ability to answer all manner of questions regarding seemingly pointless and highly unusual Jew rituals; g) and, most notably, highly impressive shofar blowing skills
- All goys participated in strange Jew rituals with great gusto
- Several goys unsure what to make of gefilte fish
- Some goys surprised to find gefilte fish served cold
- Some goys opted for salad, trying to create illusion of having eaten gefilte fish
- Some goys gave gefilte fish directly to iPod man (Jew), dispensing with any illusions of eating gefilte fish
- Some wise goys with previous Jew/seder experience opted out of gefilte fish from the get-go
- Many goys unappreciative of cost of gefilte fish = $3.75 per piece
- Several goys perplexed by inclusion of apple kugel as side dish
- In spite of said side dish confusion all enjoyed beige food
- Both Jews and goys questioned absence of vegetables
- Both Jews and goys questioned irrational kugel quantities
- Goys played small-town-Ontario-Goy version of Jewish geography with surprising success
- Mellie (goy) posed many discussion-provoking questions regarding various Jew customs
- Discussions arising from said questions include:
- advantages of crew vs. turtle
- several (sometimes awkward) mentions of smegma
- why does DiDi (goy) know more about the story of Passover than all Jews at table
- various theories around kosher laws, most notably theory of no pork eating due to Absalom falling in pit of pigs (courtesy of urgent call to kosher experts of Chatham, Ontario)
- and finally ReRe's (Jew) recital of lovely ditty featuring lyrics - "All the animals that we eat must chew their cud and have split feet" (popular party tune)
- Murray (Jew) disappointed to learn of Mellie's engagement; somehow must have missed the skating rink, perhaps blinded by blond shiksa beauty
- Murray un-phased by Mellie's engagement; proceeded with shameless flirtation to amusement of all
- Mellie (goy) shares ReRe's (Jew) natural shofar blowing ability
- Shofar blowing women deemed extremely hot
- For reasons unknown Mellie (goy) chose to wear shofar as horn (as per its original use?)
- Photo of above to be circulated via subsequent email
- Additional photos to be circulated include:
- goys wearing kippahs (hair on which to clip kippah not required)
- goys eating gefilte fish
- goys blowing shofar (in addition to wearing shofar)
- Goys (understandably) perplexed by Manischewitz wine
- Goys (understandably) perplexed by fruit jellies
- Jews (except iPod man) also perplexed by fruit jellies
- Jews (except iPod man) also perplexed by Manischewitz wine
- Jews anxious to be invited to Easter egg hunts, Christmas (with stockings) etc.
- Fun time had by all, as always
- Must get sorority together again soon!
Additional Jew/Passover questions from Mellie
Q. What do you call a non-Jewish boy?
A. Non Jews are referred to as Goy for 1 or in the plural Goyim.
Q. What is the difference between a 'goy' and a 'shiksa'?
A goy is a non Jewish person and goyim refers to more than one non Jew. Goy is a gender neutral term. Women can also be referred to as 'shiksas' and men as 'shagitz'.
Q. What is passover?
A. During the time of Pharoah, the Jews were held as slaves and made to make bricks which were used to build the pyramids (yes those pyramids). Moses, back from his time in the desert with Jethro (seriously his father-in-law's name was Jethro) comes back to free his people from their bondage to Pharoah. Pharoah says no MANY times until Moses (with a little bit of help from The Almighty) brings out the big guns and says if you don't free my people (insert Charlton Heston voice and say "Let my people go!") your first born son will die. Moses alerts the Jews and in order for their children to not die, they have to put the blood of the lamb on their doorway so that the Angel of Death knows to 'Pass over' their houses. The above was learned courtesy of Christian Sunday School and many viewings of the movie 'The 10 Commandments'.
Q. Have you read the DaVinci code and what is your opinion on it?
A. ReRe - has not read and has no opinion. DiDi will loan ReRe her copy and DiDi liked the book and is looking forward to the movie. ReRe probably will not like said book as it does not include any freaks, Siamese twins or sadistic murders.
Q. How can ReRe's mom be a rabbi and still be a girl?
A. A rabbi is not a priest. They are allowed to marry, have children etc. There are different branches of Judaism. The Reform branch of Judaism allow women to be rabbis and everything. Other branches are much more traditional and really aren't all that fond of this practice.
Q. Why are there 2 nights of Seder?
A. Once the Jews were in the desert (and Moses refused to ask for directions) all was very confusing. There were so many Jews and only one Shofar horn so it was hard to hear when the horn was blown so a 2nd day was added so that everyone would get to have Passover. It also means that once you are married you don't have to have the "which house are we supposed to go to this year discussion" as the goyim do around Christmas.
Q. Who is God and how did he come to be?
A. There is only one God - he is the same being whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, etc. Not sure how he came to be but he has a good gig.
Q. Who is this David character we hear about and why does he have his own star?
A. David is King of the Jews and it seems that someone somewhere thought he deserved his own star. Hmm - wonder if Liz has her own star???
Q. What is the party for a baby girl?
A. A baby girl has a 'baby naming' ceremony where she receives her Hebrew name. There is a rabbi, family, friends and lots of beige food. Do you sense a theme to the Jewish gathering?
Q. Why circumcise?
A. No one at the table had a answer - cleanliness was thought but when searching the web I found a pile of answer which are waaay to boring for this site. So it comes to this - apparently it was thought to be unpure so off it goes. Personally - I don't mind. I realize that I am in the minority but anything that comes with its own purse is attractive to me.
Q. Is anything like that done to baby girls?
A. NO! EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!
Q. What is with the no split-toed meats?
A. ReRe has a song that explains everything - here goes:
All the animals that we eat
Must chew their cud and have split feet
Cause kosher meet just can’t be beat
So throw away your ham.
Take your ham and take your bacon
I won’t eat it you’re mistaken
I’m a Jew and I’m not fakin’
Give me kosher meat to eat.
This was sung a couple (OK many) times by ReRe during the evening - as only she knows the words. HI.LAR.IOUS!!!
According to the book "Your Neighbour is a Jew" which oddly enough DiDi owns here the list of what you can and cannot eat if you keep kosher!
- 4 legged mammals allowed only if they chew their cud and have cleft hooves
- Includes bovines but excludes rabbits (which don't chew cud) or horses (which have single hooves). Really, who could eat Black Beauty anyhow...
- Camel flesh is prohibited (damn, we were going to eat that over Easter this year) and so is the pig in all forms
- rapacious animals and carrion feeders are also forbidden as are reptiles, amphibians and sea creatures like oysters, crab and shrimp. (ReRe - that was a damn fine Christmas meal you made of forbidden shrimp. Love those forbidden shrimp!!!)
- Fish are permitted but they must have fins and scales (alas not catfish for you kosher kids)
- Birds are apparently permitted - except for the biblical list of predators and those that eat the dead flesh - see local rabbi for the all knowing biblical list.
Apparently these basic laws of keeping kosher are found in the Bible - but since it is not on my current reading list, who knew?
Q. What is Jesus to you?
A. To a Jew, he is a confused Jewish boy in need of therapy as he had a God complex and delusional. Paxil would have helped him out a lot. If you believe the DaVinci Code, he got a lot of action with Mary Magdalene and had some kids. How screwed up would they be when they trace their family tree and find out the 'son of God' is a relative. How do you live up to that?!!!?
Q. Why are all Jewish men lawyers? (doctors, bankers, or other professions that involve making large sums of money)
A. It is a conspiracy!
Q. Is the term 'JEW' derogatory?
A. Not if used a in a sentence like 'Are you a Jew?'. If used in a sentence like 'Are you a dirty Jew?" then yes, derogatory.
Q. Can we join you at the synagogue?
A. Yes but are you sure that you want to. Your typical Shabbut service is 4 hours in length and has a lot of mumbling in Hebrew. Best to attend with a synagogue member.
Q. Can we try Judaisim?
A. It is not like a pair of pretty secondhand Chanel shoes that can be put on or off. You are born into the faith or can convert a la Charlotte. See previous question for attending your local shul for a test run.