Wednesday, April 19, 2006

THE RULES OF SHOES

As a member of The Sorority, it is a must that you LOVE shoes. Not just the "aren't these cute I got them on sale' type love. But the kind of love that makes you walk up to the window of your favourite shoe store and say "Hello Lover" to the pretty shoes in the window. The kind of love that makes you look at a women's shoes and decide on the spot you like her just because her shoes are really nice.

Shoe love is like no other - it can squeeze, hurt, pinch and just generally cause great pain and we come back for more - as fast as possible. It is the only love around that when you buy a beautiful pair of shoes and they hurt your feet, that you don't care because your feet look so damn good! So for all of you shoe lovers out there, here is your shoe pledge of the season. Say it loud and proud fellow shoe-a-holics - you are among sisters!!!

Please raise your BIG TOE and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. No matter how much it hurts.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet
look good.


I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get a even better one.

And finally... I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.

DiDi



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