Muffy may have broken her ass but last night I broke my va-jay-jay! I wish I were kidding but, dear internet, y'all know what a walking klutz I am and how I should avoid, but somehow never do, anything that could and will most likely cause me an injury. How does one do break their va-jay-jay you ask? Sit back, pour yourself a glass of something and listen to my tale of woe!
Wilson came home from a 'work' trip. Pardon my sarcasm here but any 'work' trip that involves 2 rounds of golf, much drinking, staying at a REALLY nice resort and as he says it 'networking' still spells BOONDOGGLE to me in any language. But I digress. So of course Arthur is so happy to see his daddy and they are in the back yard playing catch with the Kong ball (that is Arthur is catching and Wilson is throwing).
Wilson accidentally throws the ball into our neighbour’s yard and then looks at me and says "You have shoes on can you go and get it?" This is where I should have said - 'you threw the damn thing there - you go and get it as I am about do something REALLY important and fetch myself an adult beverage' and yet, for some stupid reason I said OK.
I start to climb over our decrepit fence (held together only by good wishes and termites) and Wilson says "Don't climb over in the middle, climb near a post as it isn't very strong". Again, where was my common sense (apparently on vacation) as I forgot how accident-prone I am and did not immediately get off the fence and tell him to get the stupid ball his damn self. I moved closer to a post and get one leg over and while balancing myself to bring my other leg over, the fence broke and I fell onto the top board and, yes you guessed it, what broke my fall was my vagina. And OWWWW!
Wilson helps me off the fence and I do what any woman in pain does - walk into the house and poured myself a LARGE glass of wine - for medicinal purposes of course. I moan and complain about my broken va-jay-jay until Wilson says did you look at it to make sure all is OK. And of course you know the answer to that is no. I was much more interested in my 'medicine'. I look at it - as best as I can - and HOLY SHIT - I really did a good number on it. Poor va-jay-jay!
Needless to say - I placed the blame squarely on Wilson's shoulders and tried to make him feel all guilty and stuff - and told him that they only thing that would make me feel better is a pretty new whatever-I-want to start my new job. All that got was a damn raised eyebrow. BASTARD!
Y'all know I am milking this for all it is worth this weekend. I can already see this scenario playing out - Wilson will ask me to help/do something that will interrupt me reading/napping/whatever and my response will be as follows -- “I can't insert some job that I don't want to do because in trying to be a good wife and help you, I BROKE MY VAGINA, so you will need to do it."
Lesson learned by DiDi - never put off getting a glass of wine in order to help husband. Bad, bad things come of it.
5 comments:
Ouch!
Definitely milk it!
feel better soon!
WHOA! That story hurt to read!
Big glass of wine with a BIG NEW PURSE might be the only thing to cure a broken china hutch.
and hell yeah - for the love of god, milk it!
Yikes! Enjoy the healing with a large glass of wine.
I found your blog today... I enjoyed reading your posts. Very funny...especially the Bachelorette party one. I felt like that when I went out with the younger crowd at work. They all got carded, except me.
Oh my! That really did hurt to read.
I could tell what was going to happen even before you typed it, and found myself yelling at the computer... "No... don't do it!"
Milk it as long as you can and keep the wine flowing. :-)
Frickin OW! Why didn't Wilson go pour you the wine? Unfeeling git!
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