HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

To all my American friends both virtual and real.  May you enjoy your friends, family and turkey and have nothing but good things to be thankful for! 

GIVING THANKS!

I know that the Thanksgiving that is about to be celebrated in the 50 states that make up the USA is not my Thanksgiving being a Canadian girl and all - but I am sitting here, writing and giving some BIG thanks right now. 

Wilson has agreed to the settlement amount and within 2-3 weeks, I will be a legally separated woman.  I know that sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but after this crazy, chaotic year - to have this huge. looming issue come to a close so that I can face 2011 on my own terms is massive for me. 

So today internet, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is just some of what I am thankful for:

- this crazy, chaotic year - without it I would never have found out how strong I really am
- my new job - for being a good change for me
- friends - both virtual and real - I am a better person because of you and them
- family - they are truly a safe place for me to land and accept me for who I am
- love - while it may not be the love of one person right now, I am so lucky to have so much love in my life. 
- hope - for 2011 to be better, for love, for whatever comes my way
- this blog - my safe, anonymous place where I can get rid of the thoughts that rattle around my brain
- Diet Coke - mmmmm mmmmm good!
- pretty shoes - nuff said
- Arthur - while he is now Wilson's exclusively and I can no longer see or touch him - he is still my brown boy and I will love him forever.  There will be another dog soon but none will ever be like Arthur!

I am a lucky, loved girl who is thankful for all that has come my way this year - the good, the bad and yes even the ugly. Without it all, I would never know how far I have come or what I am capable of.  So here I sit - a happy girl giving thanks for it all!

NON BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND

So the Practice Date and I have continued to hang out and have some fun.  We have had lots of good conversation mixed with some really great kisses.  I think we are just very casual and taking it date by date.  He on the other hand is a discusser of things - most particularly us and our situation.  Shortly after our 5th or 6th date - he gives me the face and then says "so what is this thing we have going on here?"  Cue stroke/heart attack and a bad case of the cold sweats. 

On about our 3rd date, I made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship, boyfriend or anything serious.  I am barely 7 months out of a long term relationship/marriage and just trying to figure out how to date and not be someone's someone right away.  I am a girl who just wants to have some fun and if that fun also includes time with a cute boy - I am VERY ok with that.  However, please do not use the word boyfriend, relationship or anything else that smacks of something that will end in some kind of ugly manner.  And please oh please do not use the dreaded g word (ACK - girlfriend) to describe me to your friends.  Been there, done that and am paying the legal bills for it. 

However, Practice Date boy likes to talk about things.  He is one of those upfront, out in the open boys that I always thought were an urban myth.  He just wants to understand what I want from him - because for a no strings attached, no commitment, nothing really to deep affair, we are spending a fair amount of time together and he is confused.  Damn him and his ability to communicate.  Why can't he just leave this shiz under the rug as we WASPy folks tend to do.  Why can't he let me be all contradictory (don't want any strings but like your company and make plans with you)- I do it in a very cute and charming way.  Instead we end up discussing it and my freaked feelings regarding relationships at this moment in my life.  Praise Jebus that he cute and funny otherwise I would have run for the hills faster than an out of shape girl really should.  So we talk and talk - and pretty much end up in the same place but it is all out in the open and one of us feels better for the conversation (hint - this person is not me!).  He seems to be OK with where I am and likes spending time with me - and is willing so far to leave the labels out of the equation.  Again, the cute and fun seriously weighs in his favour here. 

It has taken me time and a lot of effort but I have managed to glue the shattered pieces of my heart back together - but the glue is still wet and my heart - well she is still very fragile.  Risking this carefully glued-back-together heart on a 'serious' romance scares me more than I can say.  However, I have learned this year to never say never and stay open to the possibility of anything so here I stand, at the edge of the cliff but just don't have the faith yet that my chute will open and it will all be OK. 

So here I am - scared shitless of this cute, funny boy, with his 2 kids, mixed up crazy life and his talkative ways who wants to be my non boyfriend boyfriend.  And just between you and me internet - I am having a really great time. 

MY WISH LIST

I have always believed that if you really want something, write it down and then send it out to the Universe.  I also believe that you can’t just wish for stuff and then POOF! magically find someone who is everything on it without working on yourself either.  So that is what I am doing in this time of flux – really figuring out what I like, want, need so that when the next great guy comes along, I will be ready to take the leap. 

So universe, here is hoping that you are listening because here is what I would like to find in a boy:  

1. Honest – with himself and with me
2. Caring
3. Kind
4. Financially responsible/successful – I am not talking millionaire here but someone who has been able to grow their career as I have and has found success
5. Smart
6. Loyal
7. Has a sense of humour – finds me funny, makes me laugh, gets the overall joke in life, sees humour in every day things, can laugh at himself
8. Tall enough that I can wear high heels – I am a girl and I love pretty shoes - nuff said
9. Emotionally intelligent/good sense of self/comfortable in his skin – knows who he is and is OK with that, won't be a pushover with me, will stand up to me if Iam out of line but will also stand up for me
10. Adventurous – I don't mean crazy adventurer cliff diver but willing to try something once even if he might not be good at it.  Has a zest for life and living
11. Not fat – I am no hard bodied girl and I am not asking for a super duper fit guy but someone who takes care of themself, somewhat active and is not a couch potato all of the time. 
12. Loves dogs – Anyone who wants a life with me will have to be used to the fact that there will always be a dog in the house and had better understand the responsibility that goes with that 
13. Love of travel – I love it and want to continue this throughout my life not as a tourist but as a traveler
14. Decent relationship with ex – especially if there are children involved.  Divorce is not easy ever but if you chose to have children with your former spouse, you have to rise above the crap and develop a new relationship that can be at cordial.
15. Respect – for himself, other people, women
16. Confident – nothing is sexier than a confident man
17. Passionate – about life but also about me.  Not to be too inappropriate here but wants to have a healthy, active life in the bedroom
18. Affectionate – holding hands, kissing, hugs – touch is very important to me
19. Cares about the little things in life – I don’t need him to remember the day we first kissed but remembers when I have important stuff coming up and asks about it. 
20. Communicator – not easy but you have to be willing to talk about anything – easy or difficult. 
21. Willingness to be vulnerable – everyone struggles with this but I do believe that when you love someone and trust them enough to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to show them your best and worst.  You have to be willing to trust your partner enough to show those parts of you that no one else sees
22. Non judgemental – as much as humans can be – no biases or bigotry allowed
23. Gets relationships - understands that they are a marathon not a sprint and won't bolt for the door when the going gets rough
24. Has figured out a balance in his life between work, family, friends, etc
25. Has been able to establish good friend relationships - I have amazing friends who mean the world to me and would want the same for my partner

But most of all, that he wants a real relationship with me and that he gets that a real relationship is so many things all at once - joyous, crazy, passionate, amazing, trying, best thing, knee buckling, frustrating - and yet would not have it any other way.  Spending your life with someone and sharing all that goes with it is one of the toughest yet most rewarding things you can do and I want someone who understands that and is willing to take the leap with me. 

 

So all in all - that is what I am looking for and fingers crossed that I might find someone who has most of these qualities and that I am most of what is on his list too.  Until that time, I will keep working on me and having fun while I do it.  Life is too short to dwell on what is missing when you have so much good right in front of you. 

 

HI THERE! REMEMBER ME?

So it seems that I took a wee break from blogging and in that time much has happened…

-         I have learned that while love is blind, divorce is all-seeing.  I had a horrible conversation with Wilson about money.  It was the kind of conversation that made me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I know that this is bound to happen but after that conversation, this girl who loved that boy so deeply wonders where the boy is that she fell in love with?  Then, maybe he never really existed in the way that I saw him and this part of him was there all along, I just never had to deal with him in that way.  Realizing that was very sad and also freeing because once this is over, I will never have to deal with him again.

-         We had another horrible conversation about Arthur – our beloved dog.  The intention all along was to share him once it all got settled because we both love him and he loves us both.  After the above conversation, Wilson decided it was time to share that he no longer wants to share Arthur and either I take him or he takes him but no more visitation.  Cue my broken heart and many tears but in the end this will be the best decision for me.  It will completely cut the cord between Wilson and I which is for the best but to never see Arthur again is something that seems unbelievable to me still.  I know that he will be loved for all of his life and that is all any dog owner could ever want but it still hurts like a mutha!

-         DiDi had a date – and a good one with Practice Date boy or as I described him to the BFFs  - the Basset Hound.  Somehow, he never got the message that I was not really interested in seeing him again and would send texts or call to keep in touch.  Cut to DiDi travelling for the new job and I get a text from him that says he knows the first date was a dud and he would like a do-over.  I had to give him points for persistence (or stalking) and for admitting that the first date sucked and that he would like to try again.  Out we did go and he left the Basset Hound persona behind.  He was fun, charming, flirty – all the things you want on a date.  After having a good time playing pool, we leave the bar and are going to go to another location when he planted a kiss on me that surprised the hell out of me – in a good way.  I never in my life expected the Basset Hound to kiss like that!  Needless to say, it was a much better experience than the first one and he closed the deal and we are going out again.  Completely took me by surprise in such a good way and that has not happened to me in a long time. 

-         The new job is great and am really enjoying the change.  Great team and boss have done wonders to my outlook. 

So that is me to you in a nutshell.  Still figuring this single again, getting divorced, dating, moving forward life of mine out but am now enjoying the process a lot more.  Life these past few months has been an eye opener for sure but in the end, my life will be better and I am all for better these days.