MUSINGS

So my goal with the divorce was not to turn this blog into a place of whining, bitching and moaning about how sad/desperate/lonely my life now is - you know the usual divorce blah, blah, blah.  Except the thing that I forgot about with this blog is this is where I get those thoughts out of my head that go round and round.  I would come here, write about whatever was running around in my brain, and then go off and do something useful with my day. 

So while I will try to not whine - I have found that I need to come back here and get something thoughts out of my head and then maybe, just maybe some other thoughts will come in and take their place.  I have had some moments where I have realized how much I have grown since Wilson and I have started dating oh so long ago.  I was so grateful then to have met a great guy, who had his shit together it seemed and who wanted to be with me.  I recognize now, that I used to give him all or most of the credit for accomplishments in my life - paying of tax debt, saving for retirement, owning our home, etc; that he was my rescuer.  I have since realized that I rescued me - with his help and support but I did the work.  I dug myself out my financial mess, dusted myself off, saved my money, cleaned out my emotional baggage and became stronger along the way.  That strength has come in very handy since the whole situation started. 

I find though, that the hardest part of all of this is that I have lost my friend Wilson along with my husband Wilson.  I miss the conversations, the discussions, his different perspective.  I have other amazing friends that have truly been there and are always available to share their perspective, advice, opintion - all of which I value but right not, it is not the same.  I know that this will fade in time and it has to some extent - but there are days, and today is one of them, that I miss talking to him.  Wine seems to help a lot with this one - in fact, wine helps with much of the divorce journey.

Eventually, some day, in the future I do want to get to the place where, as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love that everytime I think of him, I will send him light and love.  For the record - I am so not there yet.  All I want for him right now is for him to die alone, thinking of me, wishing that he had never let me go and knowing that I am thin, happy, married to a lovely, wealthy man with whom I travel the world and who never bitches about how many pair of shoes I buy.  Sooooo - still a long way from sending him light and love - but hopefully it will come some day.  And if not - that is OK too. 

So those are the thoughts that I needed to get out of my head for today.  Thanks Internet for letting me dump these on you - it really helped.  I will try not to dump to much but thanks for being there.