I'M JES SAYING...

I was at the airport going through security to go to my gate for my flight to Montreal for my first event with my new company.  A nice looking couple were in front of me who were emptying all that they own into the bins to be xrayed. When out of nowhere, the lady turns, looks for her friend who dropped them off and waved at this person. At this point my eyes exploded and I will never be the same. The woman had on a white, sleeveless blouse and when she lifted up her arm to wave I got a view of her 6 inch long pit hair flapping around as she waved!


I can tolerate many things but that almost made my head explode! Lady, For the love of God, if you choose to not shave your underarms, then do the world a solid and never wear sleeveless AGAIN! No sleeves are a privilege not a right!!!!


Today's rant has now concluded - please feel free to resume your business.

COUGAR AND THE GEEKS

This weekend, this last, lovely, long weekend of the summer, I will be in Montreal for the World Cyber Games.  Why you ask dear Internet?  Because of my new job - that's why!  My new company is a large sponsor of the World Cyber Games or as I call it - Geekfest! 

When I told Wilson that I was going to World Cyber Games - his loving response was "You are going to look like such a cougar there surrounded by teenage boys!".  My response - I wanted to choke the spit out of him but instead responded with a wifely "Fuck Off!" 

My wee knowledge of video games consists of our new Wii.  I am really good at Wii bowling and that is about it.  The last time I was in Best Buy, a 9 year kid kicked my ass at Guitar Hero and tennis.  I have a distinct feeling that the song running through my head this weekend will be "One of these things is not like the other". 

So this weekend while y'all are enjoying sunshine and cocktails - remember me -your very own 42 year old cougar surrounded by palefaced teenage boys with excellent hand/eye coordination - and then pour yourself a large drink and have it for me.  I am going to need all the help I can get to get through this weekend!

WHEN DO YOU...

Internet,
Here is a question that has been plaguing us at the Sorority for sometime...at what point when you are dating someone do you sleep with them?  We Sorority girls had a recent meeting and chatted at length about this. 

DiDi - I made it only to the 2nd date with Wilson.  Excessive alcohol, lobster and his cuteness all worked against me.  I was going to try to hold out for date 3 so as to not appear whorish but didn't make it.   Apparently I am the skank of the group!

Mellie - date 3 with the Jew.  Again, wine involved. 

ReRe - has made it to date 4 before doing the deed.  Mellie and I consider this seriously saintlike behavior and we are considering revolking her relationship in the Sorority if she doesn't raise her skank level somewhat. 

Dear Internet - what is your answer on this.  What do you think is appropriate hold out time vs skanky?  Enquiring minds want to know! 

ALL EMPLOYEE MEETING

So we had an all employee meeting and all the new employees were introduced and had to say something about themselves

I wanted to say many things - none of which were appropriate like "Am sarcastic, cynical and I think funny.  Love pretty shoes, purses and a good bottle of wine.   Have a blog and read the words of some amazing women and oh yeah - am really happy to be here!"

Instead I say how happy I was to be there and am looking forward to meeting and working with everyone!  I think the first paragraph was much more interesting!

Also, when I told Wilson that I had an All Employee meeting, he asked if I wore my prettiest shoes.  Does he know me or what!  God I love that man!!

...and yes I did!  Black patent leather Mary Jane Cole Haans.

FIRST WEEK OVER - WOEFULLY UNINFORMED!

Well my first week is over and I am still gainfully employed!  But boy-oh-boy has my life changed!  My new office blocks all social networking (Facebook, Flickr, Blogger sites) as well as all entertainment sites.  I feel so out of touch - like my mother or something.  However, then they started throwing work my way and I quickly realized that I will no longer have time for this shiz throughout the day. 

I have missed you dear internet!  Fill me in on what's happening.  Who's sleeping with who?  What is new and different?  Give a poor, uninformed girl the deets!

SO LONG SLACKER!

Tomorrow I start my new job!  I have left the relative safety of a job where I did what I wanted when I want and now will actually work for a living.  WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!  I haven't been nervous about a job, any job in such a long time.  I know that this change is good for me but holy crap - I am NERVOUS! 

So this slacker bids you all a fond farewell.  The next time you hear from me - I will be a full-fledged worker bee!

So long slacker girl - it has been a fun ride!

HOW TO GET GOOD GIFTS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

Buried under my resentment of turning a year older is the joy of receiving birthday gifts!  This year Wilson outdid himself (and he really had to after the fiasco of last year!)   Fiasco description - last year, I inadvertantly bought my own birthday gift - a camera bag.  We got a really nice camera for a wedding gift and Wilson had harped at me that we had to get a camera bag to protect the shiny, new camera.  When I told him that I bought a new camera bag he said "Great, that is your birthday present!"  Cue the ensuing argument about gifts and effort. 

However, this year he bought me not 1 but 2 Burberry bags, a camera knapsack and a UV filter for our telephoto lens. 

I love the blessed plaid so much!  Wilson is happy that I have stopped nagging his ass for a pretty purse.  Also, I am hysterical that he bought me a camera bag again, but he is SO tired of hearing me complain that I can't fit all our camera equipment into the bag "he" bought me last year. 

Complaining = good gifts!  I must remember this for next year!!!!

BROKEN VA-JAY-JAY

Muffy may have broken her ass but last night I broke my va-jay-jay! I wish I were kidding but, dear internet, y'all know what a walking klutz I am and how I should avoid, but somehow never do, anything that could and will most likely cause me an injury. How does one do break their va-jay-jay you ask? Sit back, pour yourself a glass of something and listen to my tale of woe!


Wilson came home from a 'work' trip. Pardon my sarcasm here but any 'work' trip that involves 2 rounds of golf, much drinking, staying at a REALLY nice resort and as he says it 'networking' still spells BOONDOGGLE to me in any language. But I digress. So of course Arthur is so happy to see his daddy and they are in the back yard playing catch with the Kong ball (that is Arthur is catching and Wilson is throwing).


Wilson accidentally throws the ball into our neighbour’s yard and then looks at me and says "You have shoes on can you go and get it?" This is where I should have said - 'you threw the damn thing there - you go and get it as I am about do something REALLY important and fetch myself an adult beverage' and yet, for some stupid reason I said OK.


I start to climb over our decrepit fence (held together only by good wishes and termites) and Wilson says "Don't climb over in the middle, climb near a post as it isn't very strong". Again, where was my common sense (apparently on vacation) as I forgot how accident-prone I am and did not immediately get off the fence and tell him to get the stupid ball his damn self. I moved closer to a post and get one leg over and while balancing myself to bring my other leg over, the fence broke and I fell onto the top board and, yes you guessed it, what broke my fall was my vagina. And OWWWW!


Wilson helps me off the fence and I do what any woman in pain does - walk into the house and poured myself a LARGE glass of wine - for medicinal purposes of course. I moan and complain about my broken va-jay-jay until Wilson says did you look at it to make sure all is OK. And of course you know the answer to that is no. I was much more interested in my 'medicine'. I look at it - as best as I can - and HOLY SHIT - I really did a good number on it. Poor va-jay-jay!


Needless to say - I placed the blame squarely on Wilson's shoulders and tried to make him feel all guilty and stuff - and told him that they only thing that would make me feel better is a pretty new whatever-I-want to start my new job. All that got was a damn raised eyebrow. BASTARD!


Y'all know I am milking this for all it is worth this weekend. I can already see this scenario playing out - Wilson will ask me to help/do something that will interrupt me reading/napping/whatever and my response will be as follows -- “I can't insert some job that I don't want to do because in trying to be a good wife and help you, I BROKE MY VAGINA, so you will need to do it."


Lesson learned by DiDi - never put off getting a glass of wine in order to help husband. Bad, bad things come of it.