TODAY

Getting divorced is a very weird thing.  In the beginning you never think you will feel normal again and you feel as if you are living in some weird bubble state where everything you love is being held just out of your reach.  You feel so disconnected from what was your life and all that you held dear and the only thing this feels real is the overwhelming, crushing sadness and fear that blanket you each and every day. 

After a while, you get some distance and you start to feel your way back to you – almost like your nerves regenerating after a serious injury.  You go about your business every day, going through the motions yet it in many ways, you feel like a you need to re-learn everything about your life again.  You need to relearn how to go about your life as a me not a we.  It all feels so odd but you feel good because you can see your progress and anything feels better than the blanket of sadness you were wearing.

At some point, you realize that you will be OK.  You have moved forward enough that the paperwork that you have to do to end your marriage doesn’t scare you anymore so you do it.  You know that you have to make big decisions about your life, on your own but you know that you can and you will.  You know that you need to get out and meet new people and expand your circle of friends so you make steps to do that.  And finally you realize that you liked being married, part of a we and that you were good at it and want that again so you prepare yourself for the next phase of your life – single and dating. 

But then, as you realize that the day is coming closer when the legalities will be all done and all that you cherished is no longer within your grasp – you have this overwhelming feeling of melancholy hit you and it takes your breath away because you thought you were past this.  You thought you have moved on enough that maybe, just maybe you had moved past those feelings and had moved into the new me part of your life and all would be shiny, new and happy.  All you can think at this point is "Damn, I thought I was past this".

But I realized today that all of those feelings coexist together – happy and sad, excited and scared – and it is OK.  Maybe the only way to get through this is when I wake up say to myself – “Today I feel….” and just accept that it is OK to be sad or lonely or depressed or happy or excited or scared or any combination of those or different emotions on any given day as long as I don’t let myself wallow in sadness or cover up a part of me under a blanket of fake happiness.  So today I am sad that my marriage is ending and that I will never again be Wilson’s wife and that we will not grow old together as I had dreamed.  This is how I feel today…tomorrow, who knows.    And in someway, accepting this has made it easier.   And today, I will take anything that makes this journey easier.