This journey of mine has been an experience to say the least - but one that has taught me a lot so far. The one thing that it has taught me is that I am a very lucky girl. Am lucky to have such amazing friends - both in person and virtually. So many people have reached out to and touched me in ways that they will never know the profound effect it had on my life. To have the support of such amazing friends has been so wonderful that there are really no words to express my gratitude. You may never know what your support has meant to me but I am here to tell you that I would not be here if it wasn't for it. To know that many people have circled around you, hands outstretched to help you in any way that they can is truly an amazing feeling. I sit here and say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am about to make a job change - and it feels good. It is back in the city, in an industry in which I have never worked, and I am excited about the fresh start. It feels like my life is my own again - and I have to say that it feels really damn good.
So Internet, my dear, dear friend - let's all hold hands and jump into the next chapter together. I'm ready if you are and I can't wait!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
GOOD DAY!
Much has happened in DiDi divorce land - all my paperwork has been submitted to my lawyer and that means that Wilson and I will be officially separated very soon. There was a time not so long ago that typing that line would have sent me into a corner, rocking back and forth and wailing like there was no tomorrow. Now I type that line and am filled with hope and anticipation. Hope for the next chapter of my life - whatever that maybe and anticipation of my home that will be all my own. I can feel the excitement growing in me just thinking about paint colours and arranging my furniture. Also - I have the nervous but excited tingles in my stomach about finding romance again.
It seems that time has marched on but in the wake of all of this I have figured out that I will be OK. And Internet - I have to tell, that feels really damn good!
It seems that time has marched on but in the wake of all of this I have figured out that I will be OK. And Internet - I have to tell, that feels really damn good!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
PRACTICE DATE
So I went on my first date in 8 years. That's right - 8 YEARS!!! I cannot believe that it has been that long since I started dating Wilson and no one else. Part of me just wants to meet the next person that I will be with ASAP so that I do not have to do this dating thing again - because seriously, who wants to date anyway. In many ways dating is like a visit to the gynecologist - intensely personal and yet not, you expose yourself in some ways and cover up other parts of yourself up. I have never been a big fan of dating, never did it very well and find it a huge pain in the ass in oh so many ways.
Anyhoo - out on a date I did go and well...let's just say it was meh. He is a nice guy but told me waaaayy too much about his life, his ugly, ugly divorce, the parental aliention that is going on with his kids and how he needs to take medication to sleep. I know that it has been awhile since I have been out on a date but I really didn't think that I should know that kind of stuff within 30 minutes of meeting him. He is a nice guy but he wants a RELATIONSHIP and I am so not there. I want to meet some new people, have some fun and not take everything so damn seriously for a while.
So I am doing my best to embrace dating and instead of hating every minute of it. I am going to try to appreciate this process and time in my life for the new opportunities and people that I will meet (please remind me of this when the I hate dating posts begin) Also another benefit - think of the blog fodder chronicalling all of my bad, not so bad and fun dates.
Anyhoo - out on a date I did go and well...let's just say it was meh. He is a nice guy but told me waaaayy too much about his life, his ugly, ugly divorce, the parental aliention that is going on with his kids and how he needs to take medication to sleep. I know that it has been awhile since I have been out on a date but I really didn't think that I should know that kind of stuff within 30 minutes of meeting him. He is a nice guy but he wants a RELATIONSHIP and I am so not there. I want to meet some new people, have some fun and not take everything so damn seriously for a while.
So I am doing my best to embrace dating and instead of hating every minute of it. I am going to try to appreciate this process and time in my life for the new opportunities and people that I will meet (please remind me of this when the I hate dating posts begin) Also another benefit - think of the blog fodder chronicalling all of my bad, not so bad and fun dates.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
MUSINGS
So my goal with the divorce was not to turn this blog into a place of whining, bitching and moaning about how sad/desperate/lonely my life now is - you know the usual divorce blah, blah, blah. Except the thing that I forgot about with this blog is this is where I get those thoughts out of my head that go round and round. I would come here, write about whatever was running around in my brain, and then go off and do something useful with my day.
So while I will try to not whine - I have found that I need to come back here and get something thoughts out of my head and then maybe, just maybe some other thoughts will come in and take their place. I have had some moments where I have realized how much I have grown since Wilson and I have started dating oh so long ago. I was so grateful then to have met a great guy, who had his shit together it seemed and who wanted to be with me. I recognize now, that I used to give him all or most of the credit for accomplishments in my life - paying of tax debt, saving for retirement, owning our home, etc; that he was my rescuer. I have since realized that I rescued me - with his help and support but I did the work. I dug myself out my financial mess, dusted myself off, saved my money, cleaned out my emotional baggage and became stronger along the way. That strength has come in very handy since the whole situation started.
I find though, that the hardest part of all of this is that I have lost my friend Wilson along with my husband Wilson. I miss the conversations, the discussions, his different perspective. I have other amazing friends that have truly been there and are always available to share their perspective, advice, opintion - all of which I value but right not, it is not the same. I know that this will fade in time and it has to some extent - but there are days, and today is one of them, that I miss talking to him. Wine seems to help a lot with this one - in fact, wine helps with much of the divorce journey.
Eventually, some day, in the future I do want to get to the place where, as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love that everytime I think of him, I will send him light and love. For the record - I am so not there yet. All I want for him right now is for him to die alone, thinking of me, wishing that he had never let me go and knowing that I am thin, happy, married to a lovely, wealthy man with whom I travel the world and who never bitches about how many pair of shoes I buy. Sooooo - still a long way from sending him light and love - but hopefully it will come some day. And if not - that is OK too.
So those are the thoughts that I needed to get out of my head for today. Thanks Internet for letting me dump these on you - it really helped. I will try not to dump to much but thanks for being there.
So while I will try to not whine - I have found that I need to come back here and get something thoughts out of my head and then maybe, just maybe some other thoughts will come in and take their place. I have had some moments where I have realized how much I have grown since Wilson and I have started dating oh so long ago. I was so grateful then to have met a great guy, who had his shit together it seemed and who wanted to be with me. I recognize now, that I used to give him all or most of the credit for accomplishments in my life - paying of tax debt, saving for retirement, owning our home, etc; that he was my rescuer. I have since realized that I rescued me - with his help and support but I did the work. I dug myself out my financial mess, dusted myself off, saved my money, cleaned out my emotional baggage and became stronger along the way. That strength has come in very handy since the whole situation started.
I find though, that the hardest part of all of this is that I have lost my friend Wilson along with my husband Wilson. I miss the conversations, the discussions, his different perspective. I have other amazing friends that have truly been there and are always available to share their perspective, advice, opintion - all of which I value but right not, it is not the same. I know that this will fade in time and it has to some extent - but there are days, and today is one of them, that I miss talking to him. Wine seems to help a lot with this one - in fact, wine helps with much of the divorce journey.
Eventually, some day, in the future I do want to get to the place where, as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love that everytime I think of him, I will send him light and love. For the record - I am so not there yet. All I want for him right now is for him to die alone, thinking of me, wishing that he had never let me go and knowing that I am thin, happy, married to a lovely, wealthy man with whom I travel the world and who never bitches about how many pair of shoes I buy. Sooooo - still a long way from sending him light and love - but hopefully it will come some day. And if not - that is OK too.
So those are the thoughts that I needed to get out of my head for today. Thanks Internet for letting me dump these on you - it really helped. I will try not to dump to much but thanks for being there.
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