DREAMING OF BIGGER THINGS...

Do you ever daydream about what it would be like to win the lottery?  It is a fun exercise to play when the work doldrums gets you down.  Here is my wish list:

$50,000 Lottery win
- $25K to retirement savings
- $25K to retiring all debt
with the resulting lovely tax refund that would come from my deposit to retirement savings, that would go on my mortgage

$100,000 Lottery win
- $25K to retirement savings
- $25K to retiring all debt
- $50K to mortgage (that would take YEARS! off)

$1,000,000 Lottery win (this one is fun...)
- mortgage gone
- debt gone
- retirement savings caught up
- $25 k in home improvements - new appliances, redo kitchen, redo front stairs, new floors
- $600K in investments
- $100K in an educational trust for nieces and nephews

I would still have to work with all of the above but the fear of eating cat food in my old age would go away.  Anything over $1,000,000 would just mean nicer shoes, more savings, maybe a new house but really, it would just mean the freedom to make some fun choices.  
Try it some time - it is a really fun exercise to do when the blahs get you down!

Enjoy!!

GOALS

I am procrastinator - like no one you have ever known.  If I don't want to do something, I will find any reason not to do it.  My procrastination is at an Olympic level....However, I have reached a new low with my procrastination and it is affecting a number of areas of my life - mainly my weight and my finances.  How do I change a life-long habit of procrastination - I am going to set some reasonable goals to start with milestones and once those goals are reached, set some new ones.  Also, I have always been a big believer of write down your goals and look at it often - this helps to keep you accountable, if only to yourself. Here goes....

Weight
- back to the gym, with the target of 3 times per week
- cut the crap (mainly sugar) out of my diet
- wear my FitBit again to track my steps and exercise
- first weight loss goal - 10 lbs
- no booze during the week so that I sleep better
- try and eat a small breakfast in the morning - even if I eat it at work

Finances
- stop buying my lunch every day
- give myself an allowance every pay
- stop buying stuff I don't need
- speak to a financial counselor

Maybe, just maybe by writing these first steps down, I will be better than I have been in the past.  All I know is that I need to make these changes in my life for my own good and my mental health.  I may not make these goals every week, but at least it is a start.  The big 50 is looming and I don't want to start my 2nd act of my life with these same bad habits I have always had.  

LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL...

Dear Universe,

In the spirit of putting it all out there and going after what I want, here is what I would like in a future partner:

1. Smart – doesn't have to have an off the charts IQ but no one wants to be with an idiot
2. Funny – doesn't need to be a comedian but be able to find the humour in most situations.  Be able to laugh at himself. 
3. Kind
4. Financially stable/successful
5. Can communicate his feelings/thoughts without me having to hitch an F-150 to them and drag them out of him
6. Is a happy person – more positive than negative, good perspective on life.
7. Able to be a partner
8. Decent relationship with ex – doesn’t have to be best friends but should be able to talk/work things thru without lawyers and/or screaming matches
9. Loves his children and has a good relationship with them
10. Able to prioritize – not just work and responsibilities, but the people  in his life.  If he has kids, they are always a priority but able to make me feel like one as well. 
11. Tall enough – doesn’t need to be 6’ 4”, but I would prefer not shorter than me without high heels
12. Affectionate
13. Strength of character
14. Have ethics and a sense of justice
15. Roots for the underdog – doesn’t have to be all the time but sometimes is good
16. Be able to stand up for himself – even if his opinion is the unpopular one
17. Good kisser
18. Good in bed
19. A dog person
20. Good with families
21. Good with people with disabilities
22. Loves to travel
23. Open to adventure
24. Open mind
25. Is ok with my crazy, demanding job
26. Has a life of his own, friends of his own  and wants the same for  me.  
27. Doesn’t sweat the small stuff – we all do occasionally but has enough life experience to know when to fish or cut bait. 
28. Wants to get married again
29. Knows what he wants and goes for it
30. Can keep a secret/be discreet
31. Has dealt with his issues from previous relationships and knows himself. 
32. Is not ugly – please let him not be ugly.  I know that this is really shallow, but come on, I have to look at this face for the rest of my life.  I would like it to be somewhat attractive.
33. Knows that romance, the true kind and not the Hallmark version, is incredibly hot
34. Knows how to listen

I know that this seems like a paragon of virtue but he has to be out there somewhere, someone who has most of these traits. 

Universe, thank for hearing my request.  I will continue my search until I find the one that makes my heart skip a beat and wants want I want - to love and be loved in that crazy, inconvenient, all-consuming way that real love is.  

HELLO...IS THIS STILL ON? IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

I took a break because I felt like I didn't have anything left to say but what I have found, is that I need a place to put some thoughts.  So here I am, 4 years older and hopefully wiser, and still needing to quiet the noise in my head.  

So much has changed and yet nothing has changed.  I guess that is life.  

Here we go again...

Diane aka DiDi

A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

A letter to my younger self

I have been thinking about this a lot – what would I do different if I could go back and do it all over again, or what do I have now that I wish I had back then…so I thought I would take a moment to write to my younger self

Dear Younger self,

This is the older version of your wanting, if in some way to go back in time and have a do-over on some experiences – mainly high school and some of my twenties.  But since that is not likely to happen, here is what I wish I could tell you from the future…

1. Ignore the bitches in high school.  I know that you think that they matter but they really don’t.  Mean girls are not, in any way better than you.   
2. Exercise – it really is important and a good habit to cultivate. 
3. Use sunscreen every damn day.
4. Never, ever let any boy make you feel that you have to do something you want to do.  You get to decide what you want to do with your body and when and with who.  Any boy who does not accept your answer and continues to pressure you is an ass and is not deserving of your time or affection.  It does not matter how cute he is or how popular.  Also no matter what he says he will not die if he does not get into your pants. 
5. Remember that you are smart and never let anyone let you feel that you are not. 
6. Math, the complicated kind with lots of letters and symbols – will never be your strong suit and that is OK.  There are lots of ways to be smart and doing complicated equations in your head is just one of them.  However, it is kind of important so ask for help or get a tutor.
7. Your sense of humour will get you through just about anything. 
8. Find something that you love to do and go for it.  Don’t let fear hold you back from trying new things. 
9. Always try to make the best decision for you at the time.  Should this decision contravene what someone else wants to do with you or have you do for them, have the strength to do you what is important to you. 
10. Learn a 2^nd language. 
11. Be yourself at all times.
12. Know that you are always enough.  You don’t have to do more or be more or try harder to make anyone happy. 
13. When you have sex for the first time – it is not like a Harlequin Romance.  This is not to say that it is not fun or great – but the books can be a bit misleading. 
14. Travel.  And not to the all inclusive kind of place, although those are fun but to far off places that you read about in books.  See as much of this world as you possibly can so that you know that you live in a truly great country.  There is no feeling like that of getting on a plane and looking forward to an amazing vacation and there is also no feeling like that of coming home. 
15. Loving someone else is the best gift you can give yourself and also the greatest risk you can ever take.  You grow when you love someone else and even though you will get hurt, you learn something with every relationship.  Take the risk – it is worth it.
16. Most importantly – love who you are and have fun. 

You will go onto have great friends and experiences and have a great life.  You will be loved and be heartbroken but you will survive and thrive.  You will find in yourself abilities that you would never have imagined that you would have and do things that will amaze yourself.  You get one shot at this life and the best advice I can give you is to enjoy every damn moment.  You should always remember that remember that “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out. 

With love,

Your future, older self

WHAT 2010 TAUGHT ME...

Being that 2010 has been the year of the most change ever in my life it has also been the year that has taught me the most about myself.  So what did I learn last year – here goes…

1. Change does not kill you.  It may make you feel damn uncomfortable and/or make you wish for death but in the end, you don’t die from it. 
2. That I hate the saying “that which does not kill you makes you stronger”.  I was pretty damn strong before and people saying that to me all the damn time made me want to kill THEM.  
3. Also, I hate the phrase that ‘time heals all wounds’.  For the record – never say that to a recently separated woman.  Time gives you the needed distance from your warring emotional state to get perspective and objectivity.  Eventually you start to heal but when I was 2 weeks post conversation with Wilson, all I wanted to do was punch people when they said that to me. 
4. Divorce is effing ugly.  No way around it on that one.  However, staying in a marriage where your husband no longer loves you is even uglier.  And as ugly as my divorce was, I am grateful that it was just me and Wilson and that we did not have kids that had to go thru this with us.  
5. I have learned that there is no end to the kindness of friends and family.  When the chips are down and you feel like you are just going to sit down in the middle of the road and go no further because your legs won’t carry you, they come along and carry you for a while until you can walk on your own again.  Because of these amazing people in my life, I was able to find my way back to being a ‘me’ from a ‘we’ and do so with a fair amount of grace.  I know that without them, I would not have been able to do this without the help of some little blue pills.  And for that, I am forever grateful.
6. Pretty shoes ALWAYS make me feel better.  
7. Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to you.  It may feel like it at the time but all it does is make you split the stuff in your house and pay a lawyer.  The only thing that died was your marriage - and for that I am grateful.  My parents, family and friends are all still alive and healthy and so am I. 
8. Love is truly blind and divorce reveals all.  It is amazing to see what becomes of the person that you loved (and I am sure that Wilson would say the same about me) thru this process.  
9. I learned that even though you divorce someone, you never wish them ill.  I loved Wilson truly, madly and deeply.  That love really doesn’t go away - it just kind of mutates into something indefinable.   Oddly enough I never hated him - my girlfriends do enough for 10 people and that is kind of funny for me.  I no longer love him as I did but I don’t want bad things to happen to him.  Truthfully – that one kind of surprised me a bit.  Doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is an ass, but I don’t want him to be a hurt, maimed or dead ass.  
10. I have learned that nothing lasts forever.  
11. I have learned that marriage is a living, breathing entity that needs daily care.  While there are days, weeks, months where it seemingly is going so well that it takes care of itself – that is when it needs the most care.  Because if you take are of your marriage when the times are the best, it will pay off in spades when you hit a rough patch.  
12. Change is inevitable.  
13. Change for the most part is good – cleans out the old, the dark corners, the musty smell.  No one really likes to go into those dark corners – you have to face the demons that live there, the truth that in fact, you helped to create mess, the dark corners, the musty smell.  Hopefully you learn enough thru the change to recognize when you are doing it again and stop it or if you are really smart, to never do it again.  
14. The only way your marriage can survive is if you both change in your marriage – at roughly the same pace – and acknowledge each other’s changes.  Nobody stays the same person forever and if we don’t stay the same, how can we expect our marriages to remain static.   
15. I don’t need to be rescued or saved or protected.  I do need to love and be loved, cherish and be cherished and care and be cared for – and knowing this makes me even surer that I will meet someone who feels the same way.  I am not sure why – I just know that I will.  That is what sustains me through this dating journey I am on.   
16. I used to be afraid of trying – now my motto is ‘feel the fear, do it anyway’.  Fear used to stop me from trying, doing, changing.  Now, I am going to try and I may fail spectacularly or I am succeed just as spectacularly.  Who knows but I will never know unless I try.  So this year I am going to jump out of a plane, get SCUBA certified and who knows what else.   Look out world - here I come!
17. That I am a strong, confident woman.  I always knew that but now, after learning the above, I am unstoppable.  And that, is the best thing I have learned EVER!

So what did you learn in 2010? 

STILL HERE

Work = Crazy times but wanted to wish you a wonderful 2011 Internet!  Here is to a better year for all of us - Lord knows we all deserve it!

Back at you once this craziness calms down!

ODDS AND ENDS...

So far, so good on the Christmas spirit this year.  Am feeling very positive and up beat - perhaps this has something to do with having my shopping done and wrapped this year - in record time! 

Toronto got hit by its first (!) round of crappy weather this weekend.  Raining during the day and then snow and it all froze.  So consequently, I skiied down the driveway this morning, in my high heels no less all while screaming and making the neighbours laugh.  I managed to stay on my feet but just barely.  God I hate winter and yet I continue to live where we suffer through this season for the better part of 5 damn months.  I should not complain considering what is happening in the midwest - are you enjoying being snowed in Muffy?

Work is busy but good and I am off to Denver for New Years again this year to visit wonderful friends.  The NBB is hanging in and keeping me company and all that I love are healthy and happy.  All in all, a much better end to my year than beginning and I feel that 2011 is going to be my year! 

And no, I have not yet had a cocktail today so my holiday glow is not wine induced...yet!

ARTHUR AND ME

I am not sure how to write this without sobbing my guts out but my life of being a dog mommy and having the sweetest brown dog love me back has come to a close.  Wilson decided that sharing custody of our boy was more than he could handle going forward and I had to make a choice - either I take him or he takes him but no more sharing.  As my living situation is still up in the air - I am trying to find a place to live that works for my job and budget - I cannot take him now and taking him away from his daddy, the only home he has ever known, his friends, dog walker and all that he holds dear at some point in the future is so not something I can live with. 

Wilson is Arthur's favourite human and to be a dog loved by him will give Arthur a very good life - filled with long walks, treats, sleeps in the big bed and more love than one dog could ever dream of.   As a dog mommy, all I want for him is to have a long life, filled with love and fun and my Arthur will have that in spades with his daddy. 

I am not sure how to deal with this hole in my heart that feels like the size of the Grand Canyon.  For the first time in years, there will be no dog treats under the Christmas tree, no crazy dog antics or long walks on Christmas morning.  I will miss the morning snuggles, puppy kisses and having a dog head in my lap at the end of a long day.  Arthur came along after losing my beloved Maggie and filled my life with laughter and so much love. 

So good bye my brown boy - know that you mama will always love you and have a place in her heart for you.  My Arthur is irreplaceable and my love for him is the forever kind. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

To all my American friends both virtual and real.  May you enjoy your friends, family and turkey and have nothing but good things to be thankful for! 

GIVING THANKS!

I know that the Thanksgiving that is about to be celebrated in the 50 states that make up the USA is not my Thanksgiving being a Canadian girl and all - but I am sitting here, writing and giving some BIG thanks right now. 

Wilson has agreed to the settlement amount and within 2-3 weeks, I will be a legally separated woman.  I know that sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but after this crazy, chaotic year - to have this huge. looming issue come to a close so that I can face 2011 on my own terms is massive for me. 

So today internet, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is just some of what I am thankful for:

- this crazy, chaotic year - without it I would never have found out how strong I really am
- my new job - for being a good change for me
- friends - both virtual and real - I am a better person because of you and them
- family - they are truly a safe place for me to land and accept me for who I am
- love - while it may not be the love of one person right now, I am so lucky to have so much love in my life. 
- hope - for 2011 to be better, for love, for whatever comes my way
- this blog - my safe, anonymous place where I can get rid of the thoughts that rattle around my brain
- Diet Coke - mmmmm mmmmm good!
- pretty shoes - nuff said
- Arthur - while he is now Wilson's exclusively and I can no longer see or touch him - he is still my brown boy and I will love him forever.  There will be another dog soon but none will ever be like Arthur!

I am a lucky, loved girl who is thankful for all that has come my way this year - the good, the bad and yes even the ugly. Without it all, I would never know how far I have come or what I am capable of.  So here I sit - a happy girl giving thanks for it all!

NON BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND

So the Practice Date and I have continued to hang out and have some fun.  We have had lots of good conversation mixed with some really great kisses.  I think we are just very casual and taking it date by date.  He on the other hand is a discusser of things - most particularly us and our situation.  Shortly after our 5th or 6th date - he gives me the face and then says "so what is this thing we have going on here?"  Cue stroke/heart attack and a bad case of the cold sweats. 

On about our 3rd date, I made it very clear that I was not looking for a relationship, boyfriend or anything serious.  I am barely 7 months out of a long term relationship/marriage and just trying to figure out how to date and not be someone's someone right away.  I am a girl who just wants to have some fun and if that fun also includes time with a cute boy - I am VERY ok with that.  However, please do not use the word boyfriend, relationship or anything else that smacks of something that will end in some kind of ugly manner.  And please oh please do not use the dreaded g word (ACK - girlfriend) to describe me to your friends.  Been there, done that and am paying the legal bills for it. 

However, Practice Date boy likes to talk about things.  He is one of those upfront, out in the open boys that I always thought were an urban myth.  He just wants to understand what I want from him - because for a no strings attached, no commitment, nothing really to deep affair, we are spending a fair amount of time together and he is confused.  Damn him and his ability to communicate.  Why can't he just leave this shiz under the rug as we WASPy folks tend to do.  Why can't he let me be all contradictory (don't want any strings but like your company and make plans with you)- I do it in a very cute and charming way.  Instead we end up discussing it and my freaked feelings regarding relationships at this moment in my life.  Praise Jebus that he cute and funny otherwise I would have run for the hills faster than an out of shape girl really should.  So we talk and talk - and pretty much end up in the same place but it is all out in the open and one of us feels better for the conversation (hint - this person is not me!).  He seems to be OK with where I am and likes spending time with me - and is willing so far to leave the labels out of the equation.  Again, the cute and fun seriously weighs in his favour here. 

It has taken me time and a lot of effort but I have managed to glue the shattered pieces of my heart back together - but the glue is still wet and my heart - well she is still very fragile.  Risking this carefully glued-back-together heart on a 'serious' romance scares me more than I can say.  However, I have learned this year to never say never and stay open to the possibility of anything so here I stand, at the edge of the cliff but just don't have the faith yet that my chute will open and it will all be OK. 

So here I am - scared shitless of this cute, funny boy, with his 2 kids, mixed up crazy life and his talkative ways who wants to be my non boyfriend boyfriend.  And just between you and me internet - I am having a really great time. 

MY WISH LIST

I have always believed that if you really want something, write it down and then send it out to the Universe.  I also believe that you can’t just wish for stuff and then POOF! magically find someone who is everything on it without working on yourself either.  So that is what I am doing in this time of flux – really figuring out what I like, want, need so that when the next great guy comes along, I will be ready to take the leap. 

So universe, here is hoping that you are listening because here is what I would like to find in a boy:  

1. Honest – with himself and with me
2. Caring
3. Kind
4. Financially responsible/successful – I am not talking millionaire here but someone who has been able to grow their career as I have and has found success
5. Smart
6. Loyal
7. Has a sense of humour – finds me funny, makes me laugh, gets the overall joke in life, sees humour in every day things, can laugh at himself
8. Tall enough that I can wear high heels – I am a girl and I love pretty shoes - nuff said
9. Emotionally intelligent/good sense of self/comfortable in his skin – knows who he is and is OK with that, won't be a pushover with me, will stand up to me if Iam out of line but will also stand up for me
10. Adventurous – I don't mean crazy adventurer cliff diver but willing to try something once even if he might not be good at it.  Has a zest for life and living
11. Not fat – I am no hard bodied girl and I am not asking for a super duper fit guy but someone who takes care of themself, somewhat active and is not a couch potato all of the time. 
12. Loves dogs – Anyone who wants a life with me will have to be used to the fact that there will always be a dog in the house and had better understand the responsibility that goes with that 
13. Love of travel – I love it and want to continue this throughout my life not as a tourist but as a traveler
14. Decent relationship with ex – especially if there are children involved.  Divorce is not easy ever but if you chose to have children with your former spouse, you have to rise above the crap and develop a new relationship that can be at cordial.
15. Respect – for himself, other people, women
16. Confident – nothing is sexier than a confident man
17. Passionate – about life but also about me.  Not to be too inappropriate here but wants to have a healthy, active life in the bedroom
18. Affectionate – holding hands, kissing, hugs – touch is very important to me
19. Cares about the little things in life – I don’t need him to remember the day we first kissed but remembers when I have important stuff coming up and asks about it. 
20. Communicator – not easy but you have to be willing to talk about anything – easy or difficult. 
21. Willingness to be vulnerable – everyone struggles with this but I do believe that when you love someone and trust them enough to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to show them your best and worst.  You have to be willing to trust your partner enough to show those parts of you that no one else sees
22. Non judgemental – as much as humans can be – no biases or bigotry allowed
23. Gets relationships - understands that they are a marathon not a sprint and won't bolt for the door when the going gets rough
24. Has figured out a balance in his life between work, family, friends, etc
25. Has been able to establish good friend relationships - I have amazing friends who mean the world to me and would want the same for my partner

But most of all, that he wants a real relationship with me and that he gets that a real relationship is so many things all at once - joyous, crazy, passionate, amazing, trying, best thing, knee buckling, frustrating - and yet would not have it any other way.  Spending your life with someone and sharing all that goes with it is one of the toughest yet most rewarding things you can do and I want someone who understands that and is willing to take the leap with me. 

 

So all in all - that is what I am looking for and fingers crossed that I might find someone who has most of these qualities and that I am most of what is on his list too.  Until that time, I will keep working on me and having fun while I do it.  Life is too short to dwell on what is missing when you have so much good right in front of you. 

 

HI THERE! REMEMBER ME?

So it seems that I took a wee break from blogging and in that time much has happened…

-         I have learned that while love is blind, divorce is all-seeing.  I had a horrible conversation with Wilson about money.  It was the kind of conversation that made me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I know that this is bound to happen but after that conversation, this girl who loved that boy so deeply wonders where the boy is that she fell in love with?  Then, maybe he never really existed in the way that I saw him and this part of him was there all along, I just never had to deal with him in that way.  Realizing that was very sad and also freeing because once this is over, I will never have to deal with him again.

-         We had another horrible conversation about Arthur – our beloved dog.  The intention all along was to share him once it all got settled because we both love him and he loves us both.  After the above conversation, Wilson decided it was time to share that he no longer wants to share Arthur and either I take him or he takes him but no more visitation.  Cue my broken heart and many tears but in the end this will be the best decision for me.  It will completely cut the cord between Wilson and I which is for the best but to never see Arthur again is something that seems unbelievable to me still.  I know that he will be loved for all of his life and that is all any dog owner could ever want but it still hurts like a mutha!

-         DiDi had a date – and a good one with Practice Date boy or as I described him to the BFFs  - the Basset Hound.  Somehow, he never got the message that I was not really interested in seeing him again and would send texts or call to keep in touch.  Cut to DiDi travelling for the new job and I get a text from him that says he knows the first date was a dud and he would like a do-over.  I had to give him points for persistence (or stalking) and for admitting that the first date sucked and that he would like to try again.  Out we did go and he left the Basset Hound persona behind.  He was fun, charming, flirty – all the things you want on a date.  After having a good time playing pool, we leave the bar and are going to go to another location when he planted a kiss on me that surprised the hell out of me – in a good way.  I never in my life expected the Basset Hound to kiss like that!  Needless to say, it was a much better experience than the first one and he closed the deal and we are going out again.  Completely took me by surprise in such a good way and that has not happened to me in a long time. 

-         The new job is great and am really enjoying the change.  Great team and boss have done wonders to my outlook. 

So that is me to you in a nutshell.  Still figuring this single again, getting divorced, dating, moving forward life of mine out but am now enjoying the process a lot more.  Life these past few months has been an eye opener for sure but in the end, my life will be better and I am all for better these days. 

CH CH CH CHANGES!

It seems that 2010 is the year that kicked my ass as well as the year that has changed everything for me.  I have changed my marital status, my address, my commute to work (twice – but more on that later) and my perspective.   There was a point at the start of all of the changes that I wanted it all to stop and change back to the way it used to be but I have learned that there is no stopping the tide of change.  As they say, you either roll with the change or it will roll over you. 

So change I did – on many fronts but the most exciting and current is my job change.  Earlier this year, the work girls and I had sat around and said what were the industries that we had not worked in that we would like to try for our next job.  I said banking – for really no particular reason other than it always seemed interesting to me.  Also, because in my city, the major banks head offices are all in the heart of the city and I was in a job whose head office was located deep in suburbia.  I am at my heart a city girl not meant to live in the suburbs.  We finish our lunch and I never gave our conversation another thought. 

Fast forward to June and a friend who is looking for a job is on a job site and sees a posting for a position she thinks is tailor-made for me.  She calls me to see if I am interested and my stock answer is I am always interested – then she sends me the posting and lo and behold it is for a position with a bank.  So I give my resume a little spit and polish, whip up a cover letter and send it off.  I fully expected this to be a ‘gotta do our due diligence and post this but we have a great internal candidate’ position and lo and behold the bank’s HR department called me.  We have the standard HR chat and then I do not hear from them for almost 3 weeks.  I am now convinced that they just had to go through the motions and have given the job to an internal candidate.  Then one day – WHAM – they called and we scheduled a face-to-face with the person to whom I would be reporting if I got the job as well as HR.  I go and it is a good conversation and I feel very positive about it, send my thank you note and wait to hear from them.  2 more weeks go by and nothing…At this point, I have a full plate of stuff from my current job and am not really worried about it but just want to get it over with one way or the other.  Then I get the call for the 3^rd interview – and this one would be with the department VP as well as the person who had the position before me.  And this interview is….different.  I cannot get a read on whether I am giving the right answers, wrong answers, have pissed them off or impressed them.  For the 2^nd time in my life I walk out of an interview and have no idea if I got the job or not.  I go home, pour myself a large glass of wine and play trucks with my nephew.  I was supposed to hear by the end of the week and hear nothing – am convinced that I do not have the job.  Large quantities of wine are consumed again.

4pm on a Monday afternoon and my cell phone rings – it is the bank calling and wanting to book an appointment to discuss my meetings.  Now is good for me I tell them – convinced that they had called the winning candidate already and were just getting around to those who did not get the job.  We discuss my interview and then they tell me that lo and behold the job is mine.  NO EFFING WAY is what I want to yell but manage to keep my composure.  I do however, almost fall off of the chair but again, manage to keep my ass on the chair – but just barely. 

We chat, discuss the offer and other details and they send me a package of info for me to read and use a resource to make my decision.  4 days later, in the midst of packing up my old life at my old house and with a brown dog’s head in my lap, I call the bank and accept their offer.  3 weeks later I started at my new job – at a bank.   And if all that wasn’t good enough – after I gave my resignation serendipity kicked in and revealed to me that this was the right decision for me to make and I didn’t have to wait 1, 5 or 10 years to learn that I made the right decision.  So here I am, at my new job, with new colleagues and a new commute and am very happy with my decision.  I am so glad that I decided to roll with the change and see where I ended up.  And this time, I ended up exactly where I should be.  Yay for me!

TODAY

Getting divorced is a very weird thing.  In the beginning you never think you will feel normal again and you feel as if you are living in some weird bubble state where everything you love is being held just out of your reach.  You feel so disconnected from what was your life and all that you held dear and the only thing this feels real is the overwhelming, crushing sadness and fear that blanket you each and every day. 

After a while, you get some distance and you start to feel your way back to you – almost like your nerves regenerating after a serious injury.  You go about your business every day, going through the motions yet it in many ways, you feel like a you need to re-learn everything about your life again.  You need to relearn how to go about your life as a me not a we.  It all feels so odd but you feel good because you can see your progress and anything feels better than the blanket of sadness you were wearing.

At some point, you realize that you will be OK.  You have moved forward enough that the paperwork that you have to do to end your marriage doesn’t scare you anymore so you do it.  You know that you have to make big decisions about your life, on your own but you know that you can and you will.  You know that you need to get out and meet new people and expand your circle of friends so you make steps to do that.  And finally you realize that you liked being married, part of a we and that you were good at it and want that again so you prepare yourself for the next phase of your life – single and dating. 

But then, as you realize that the day is coming closer when the legalities will be all done and all that you cherished is no longer within your grasp – you have this overwhelming feeling of melancholy hit you and it takes your breath away because you thought you were past this.  You thought you have moved on enough that maybe, just maybe you had moved past those feelings and had moved into the new me part of your life and all would be shiny, new and happy.  All you can think at this point is "Damn, I thought I was past this".

But I realized today that all of those feelings coexist together – happy and sad, excited and scared – and it is OK.  Maybe the only way to get through this is when I wake up say to myself – “Today I feel….” and just accept that it is OK to be sad or lonely or depressed or happy or excited or scared or any combination of those or different emotions on any given day as long as I don’t let myself wallow in sadness or cover up a part of me under a blanket of fake happiness.  So today I am sad that my marriage is ending and that I will never again be Wilson’s wife and that we will not grow old together as I had dreamed.  This is how I feel today…tomorrow, who knows.    And in someway, accepting this has made it easier.   And today, I will take anything that makes this journey easier.   

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW...

This journey of mine has been an experience to say the least - but one that has taught me a lot so far.  The one thing that it has taught me is that I am a very lucky girl.  Am lucky to have such amazing friends - both in person and virtually.  So many people have reached out to and touched me in ways that they will never know the profound effect it had on my life.  To have the support of such amazing friends has been so wonderful that there are really no words to express my gratitude.  You may never know what your support has meant to me but I am here to tell you that I would not be here if it wasn't for it.  To know that many people have circled around you, hands outstretched to help you in any way that they can is truly an amazing feeling.  I sit here and say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

I am about to make a job change - and it feels good.  It is back in the city, in an industry in which I have never worked, and I am excited about the fresh start.  It feels like my life is my own again - and I have to say that it feels really damn good.  

So Internet, my dear, dear friend - let's all hold hands and jump into the next chapter together.  I'm ready if you are and I can't wait!

  

GOOD DAY!

Much has happened in DiDi divorce land - all my paperwork has been submitted to my lawyer and that means that Wilson and I will be officially separated very soon.  There was a time not so long ago that typing that line would have sent me into a corner, rocking back and forth and wailing like there was no tomorrow.  Now I type that line and am filled with hope and anticipation.  Hope for the next chapter of my life - whatever that maybe and anticipation of my home that will be all my own.  I can feel the excitement growing in me just thinking about paint colours and arranging my furniture.  Also - I have the nervous but excited tingles in my stomach about finding romance again. 

It seems that time has marched on but in the wake of all of this I have figured out that I will be OK.  And Internet - I have to tell, that feels really damn good!

PRACTICE DATE

So I went on my first date in 8 years.  That's right - 8 YEARS!!!   I cannot believe that it has been that long since I started dating Wilson and no one else.  Part of me just wants to meet the next person that I will be with ASAP so that I do not have to do this dating thing again - because seriously, who wants to date anyway.  In many ways dating is like a visit to the gynecologist - intensely personal and yet not, you expose yourself in some ways and cover up other parts of yourself up.  I have never been a big fan of dating, never did it very well and find it a huge pain in the ass in oh so many ways. 

Anyhoo - out on a date I did go and well...let's just say it was meh.  He is a nice guy but told me waaaayy too much about his life, his ugly, ugly divorce, the parental aliention that is going on with his kids and how he needs to take medication to sleep.  I know that it has been awhile since I have been out on a date but I really didn't think that I should know that kind of stuff within 30 minutes of meeting him.  He is a nice guy but he wants a RELATIONSHIP and I am so not there.  I want to meet some new people, have some fun and not take everything so damn seriously for a while. 

So I am doing my best to embrace dating and instead of hating every minute of it.  I am going to try to appreciate this process and time in my life for the new opportunities and people that I will meet (please remind me of this when the I hate dating posts begin) Also another benefit - think of the blog fodder chronicalling all of my bad, not so bad and fun dates. 

MUSINGS

So my goal with the divorce was not to turn this blog into a place of whining, bitching and moaning about how sad/desperate/lonely my life now is - you know the usual divorce blah, blah, blah.  Except the thing that I forgot about with this blog is this is where I get those thoughts out of my head that go round and round.  I would come here, write about whatever was running around in my brain, and then go off and do something useful with my day. 

So while I will try to not whine - I have found that I need to come back here and get something thoughts out of my head and then maybe, just maybe some other thoughts will come in and take their place.  I have had some moments where I have realized how much I have grown since Wilson and I have started dating oh so long ago.  I was so grateful then to have met a great guy, who had his shit together it seemed and who wanted to be with me.  I recognize now, that I used to give him all or most of the credit for accomplishments in my life - paying of tax debt, saving for retirement, owning our home, etc; that he was my rescuer.  I have since realized that I rescued me - with his help and support but I did the work.  I dug myself out my financial mess, dusted myself off, saved my money, cleaned out my emotional baggage and became stronger along the way.  That strength has come in very handy since the whole situation started. 

I find though, that the hardest part of all of this is that I have lost my friend Wilson along with my husband Wilson.  I miss the conversations, the discussions, his different perspective.  I have other amazing friends that have truly been there and are always available to share their perspective, advice, opintion - all of which I value but right not, it is not the same.  I know that this will fade in time and it has to some extent - but there are days, and today is one of them, that I miss talking to him.  Wine seems to help a lot with this one - in fact, wine helps with much of the divorce journey.

Eventually, some day, in the future I do want to get to the place where, as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love that everytime I think of him, I will send him light and love.  For the record - I am so not there yet.  All I want for him right now is for him to die alone, thinking of me, wishing that he had never let me go and knowing that I am thin, happy, married to a lovely, wealthy man with whom I travel the world and who never bitches about how many pair of shoes I buy.  Sooooo - still a long way from sending him light and love - but hopefully it will come some day.  And if not - that is OK too. 

So those are the thoughts that I needed to get out of my head for today.  Thanks Internet for letting me dump these on you - it really helped.  I will try not to dump to much but thanks for being there.