BITCH! WHINE! MOAN!

The title says what I am about to do!  Things I hate about business travel - in no particular order are:

• jet lag
• hotel rooms that are too dark - they think it is modern and nice, I think it is stupid
• shitty room service menus with no variety
• small planes with people who like to talk to their seatmate - even when she has her headphones on
• people who don't get the whole metal scanner thing and leave everything in their damn pockets and have to be searched- which holds up the line
• people who just stand where their stuff comes out of the xray machine and block it so that those of us who also have stuff coming out can't get it until they put back on all of their layers, pick up their minutia and otherwise annoy the CRAP out of me
• missing a good Sunday afternoon of football and relaxing on the couch because I had to get on a plane
• when your electric toothbrush somehow gets turned on in your suitcasea and then you have to use it like a manual toothbrush for the rest of your trip
• crappy hotels with plastic wrapped water glasses and shitty wine that tastes like kerosene
• those who do not shower before getting on a plane.  Seriously - do us all a favour - wet your body once a day, cover with soap, rinse and repeat.  Your pores will thank you as will your friends, family, colleagues, random strangers on the street, fellow subway goers, plane seatmates...you get my drift!

 Yeah, yeah - I know, I earn air miles with which Wilson and I can use to take a vacation except that when I get some 'not on a plane' time, I don't want to get on a damn plane! 

But there is a good side to business travel - nothing beats that joy you feel when your meetings end early and you get to go home 24 hours sooner than you ever thought you would!  And nothing feels better than landing at your home airport and knowing that soon, very soon you will get welcome home kisses and sleep in your own bed. 

DON'T JUDGE ME

I did it!  I watched the Season 5 premiere of Jon & Kate plus 8.   All I felt was sadness for all of them.  I watched Kate trying to be 'on' for the camera and Jon so wanting to be elsewhere.  He looked so stoned to me.  The sad part for me was that they didn't call each other by their names once or show any kindness to each other.  Can you imagine the tension at that party?  I felt so sad for one of their daughters when she hugged Jon and asked him to not go away again.  Good lord - that got me a smidge choked up. 

I am not a mom and will NEVER have 8 kids but I am one of 7 kids so I do know that a house with a lot of kids is a dictatorship not a democracy - but holy crap!  My parents raised 7 kids and somehow did it without hating each other or making each other feel like a piece of crap

Kate - get help for your control issues and Jon - stop blaming Kate for the fact that you have no job.  You have a job - you are the dad to 8 kids and you chose to put your life on TV and make money from the show.  If you want a 'real' job so bad - go and get one for the love of God.   Both of you need to stop hiding behind what is good for the kids because being on reality tv is never good for kids.  I have never seen 2 people who like each other less in a marriage. 

I won't watch another episode because this one made me too sad.  I only hope that they find a way to resolve in a way that works for them all. 

MEET MY NEW PET - PEEVE!

edder had this list of her 15 Pet Peeves and since I was feeling a lack of imagination and in need of a blog post, here is my list.  Share yours - you know that you want to and its fun!

1. People who use the word "irregardless".  IT IS NOT A REAL WORD!
2. Body odour.  Seriously, in this country where water is cheap and available, there is no excuse.  Do you hear me Toronto taxi drivers!
3. Empty milk containers in the fridge.  Wilson - this has never been funny - NEVER!
4. Empty toilet paper rolls (however I do this to Wilson all the time)
5. Dirty dishes on the counter for more than 1 day - just put the damn things in the dishwasher already!
6. Kitchen cupboard doors left open
7. Bugs
8. Crying children on airplanes.  I fly A LOT and you would think that I wouldn't hear it any more but I DO!
9.  People who wear their blackberries on their hip at a social event - like their children's birthday party.  We get it, you love your 'Berry - but seriously, the whole world has one, no one cares!
10. Tattoos - think about when you get old how that will look!
11.  Facial piercings - most specifically - tongue and lip.  OW and EEWW!
12. People who drive stupidly slow because they are talking on their cell phones.  Learn to mulit-task would you!
13. Jessica Simpson - in fact the whole Simpson family - SO DO NOT CARE!
14. People who tell me that Diet Coke in the morning is gross.  You drink your dark caffeinated beverage your way and I will drink it mine.  I don't judge you - don't judge me!
15. Bad breath - seriously, have you never heard of breath mints?

That was fun and I so could have gone on and on and on!  Come on internet, I showed you mine, show everyone yours!

I HATE BUSINESS TRAVEL

For so many damn reasons but over the last 2 weeks, I have been in many places and taken many flights all for work.  My list of reasons why I hate business travel has grown so hang on because here comes another rant:

• people who sit beside me who think that I want to talk to them for the entire flight
• people who sit beside me who have REALLY bad breath
• late flights
• early morning flights
• crappy airplane food
• really bad wine that you have to pay for
• stupid airplane rules - seriously, the plane costs $500 million dollars and my cheap, shitty cell phone will disrupt what exactly.  And if it does, don't you think that you should spend, oh I don't know, spend another $20 bucks and make it so that cell phones won't make the plane crash
• that I have to put all of my toiletries into a baggie
• that I have to take my shoes off to go through the scanner
• people who do not properly strip (shoes, belt, empty pockets, etc) before going through the scanner and making those of us standing in our sock feet wait while he/she gets the cavity search
• people who pull on the back of my chair to get up
• people who fart on the plane - you know who you are
• the fact that I have to buy the worst headphones in the world to watch the movies
• people who feel that showering is beneath them.  These people usually end up sitting beside me and I want to die from the stench. 

Whew, I feel better!  Most times, I get on and off planes like I get in and out of my car but this past week of flights has been brutal.  I need that lottery win to kick in so that I only have to travel when I want to, to places that I want to go. 

 

Excuse me, they are calling my flight.  Wish me luck!

PET PEEVE

I have many, trust me on that one!  But today, on a day when everything is rubbing my last nerve so effing raw my pet peeve du jour is that someone, who shall remain nameless, in my department (WHO HAS AN EFFIN MBA) uses the word 'irregardless' - ALL.THE.TIME! 

Seriously - just that today just might be enough to tip the scales in favour of me going postal. 

Will keep you all posted!

NOT A GOOD DAY!

Today sucks! 
Recessions really suck!
It rained today and I left my umbrella at home!
Tomorrow had better be much better than today or I am going to take my toys and go home!
I am too old for this shiz!!

QUESTION

Why do we HAVE to have winter?  Can't we just have a couple of cooler days and call it a day on the bad weather?  I am tired of my winter coat, boots, snow, ice and cold.  I am tired of sub-zero days, getting into a cold car and having to wear so many layers that people think to themselves "WOW, ever since DiDi and Wilson got married she has REALLY gained a lot of weight!" (OK, so I have gained but not as much as the layers make me look!). 

I swear to God if that damn groundhog says that we have 6 more weeks of this shiz, I am going to totally lose my nut, grab and gun and go postal on his furry ass.

Anyone with me?

AND SO IT BEGINS...

This was what we woke up to this morning.  More than a light dusting, less than a blizzard but still enough to completely screw up traffic last night.  It took me an hour and 45 minutes to travel a distance that could be easily travelled in 20-30 minutes.  Of course I was at a meeting prior to this and drank a bottle of water, forgot to go to the loo before I left and wanted to die in the car for the last 30 minutes of that drive.  GAH!!!!

If I haven't mentioned it recently - I HATE WINTER!!!  Yes snow at Christmas is pretty!  Yes snow can be fun if you ski!  Still doesn't make me like it any more.  I hate the cold, dry, chapped skin and the required layers that winter brings with it every year!   Mental note - buy more lottery tickets so that I can leave this country of mine in the winter and go somewhere warm. 

Internet - I hope that you are somewhere warm and dry and not covered in snow.  If you are, have a margarita for me!

NO WAY! NO HOW! NO COMB OVER!

I will never understand how anyone can think that a comb over is in any way attractive? 

Case in point, I am in the mall on Saturday getting my cardio in (otherwise known as shopping) and in front of me is an attractive, older man.  He turns to get on the escalator and I thought I was going to have a stroke.  Glued to his head with some type of shiny head sealant, were no more than a dozen hairs carefully arranged in some sort of even fashion.  Did he think that I could no longer see the tanned top of his head?   Actually the tanned top 3/4s of his head? 

On behalf of women everywhere I make this public request - cut it off!  We can see the skin shining through the 6 hairs you are so proud of and beg of you to embrace your baldness.  Nothing is attractive about a few hairs grown so long and scraped up and over a place on your head where they do not belong.  Do what is right and set those poor hairs free!  They have done their best for you and now is their time to retire to Hair Heaven! 

Women around the world beg of you - no more comb over!  And in return, we will stop pointing at you in malls, mock retching and then blogging about it.   Once that is fixed, we will work on the bad old man jeans but a girl has to have priorities!    

I'M JES SAYING...

I was at the airport going through security to go to my gate for my flight to Montreal for my first event with my new company.  A nice looking couple were in front of me who were emptying all that they own into the bins to be xrayed. When out of nowhere, the lady turns, looks for her friend who dropped them off and waved at this person. At this point my eyes exploded and I will never be the same. The woman had on a white, sleeveless blouse and when she lifted up her arm to wave I got a view of her 6 inch long pit hair flapping around as she waved!


I can tolerate many things but that almost made my head explode! Lady, For the love of God, if you choose to not shave your underarms, then do the world a solid and never wear sleeveless AGAIN! No sleeves are a privilege not a right!!!!


Today's rant has now concluded - please feel free to resume your business.

I HATE BACHELORETTE PARTIES!

I went to a stagette last night where I was the OLDEST person there. I am so not kidding about that. Here are some of the highlights of the evening!

• I heard more times than I can count that "Wow! You look REALLY good for being almost 42!"
• I rode on a school bus with a hardwood floor and a stripper pole AND karaoke
• For many of the girls there - I their worst nightmare. I married Wilson at 40 and as they are all 30 and under thought when they heard that I got married at 40 - they thought to themselves Eeeek! I hope I am not as old as her when I get married! I have seen the look before so I know when girls think that.
• I also did the math - when I turn 50 none of those girls will yet be 40. God - it is 9:30 am and just writing that sentence makes me want to start drinking again.
• EVERYONE else got carded while walking into the first bar - EXCEPT ME! The doorman just waved me through. The hell? Why not card the ENTIRE group. Why single me out as the person most in need of Botox!

I will say that I rocked a pair of navy Stuart Weitzman's, took my new early birthday Burberry purse, wore my Citizen of Humanity jeans. I may have been the oldest person there but I looked good. Being old does have its advantages - you can afford really nice accessories.
Then I came home, called ReRe and bitched mightily about the evening while drinking 1/2 a bottle of wine that was left on our counter.
I hate bachelorette parties!
PS - to add insult to injury, Arthur decided to chew my beautiful navy blue Stuart Weitzmans. He has never chewed a shoe before but decided to pick today to experiment with shoes. I am going for some retail therapy - replace my shoes and shop until I feel better.

A DAY I WILL NEVER GET BACK

Today I was forced to sit in one of those soul sucking training sessions - you know the one - endless PowerPoint presentations, speakers that drone on and on and on for way to long until you want to stab yourself with a pencil to relieve the boredom. Praise Allah that ReRe was stuck in the session with me because at least I had her for entertainment. All I could think of the entire time I am there is that I WILL NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK!

However, all was redeemed when I got home because in our mail was the 2008 Spring Selections catalogue from Tiffany. Suddenly my severe case of the cranks vanished whilst I looked at pretty, sparkly things. This is what needs to happen during soul sucking presentations - flash a slide of a Tiffany box just to get my attention every once in a while. I am like one of Pavlov's dogs - I will pay attention just to see the box again.

Thank you Tiffany for mailing me a coated paper catalogue that I didn't request on Earth Day. I realize that I should be appalled at the trees you murdered to produce it but with all the pretty stuff inside it - that is the last thing on my mind.

Happy Earth Day to all!

HAPPY AT LAST

At long freaking last - the temperature was in the double digits today, there was blue sky AND sunshine! Everybody say 'HELL YEAH!". The snow - it was-a-meltin and I do see evidence that we do have grass in our backyard. This could only mean that open toe shoe season is not that far away and that boating season is around the corner. This also means that my ranting, bitchy posts about the weather will soon cease for another year. Praise sweet baby Jebus for all of the above!

I LOVE THIS MAN!

This is an article from Macleans magazine - for anyone outside of Canada - it is a Canadian newsmagazine. I love this man because he put into words how we are all feeling about this goddamn winter that never seems to end. Please oh please - let spring find us soon. I have some very pretty shoes that are dying to be worn.

What's eating you, Mother Nature? Is it us?

I always pictured you as a nice lady, but after this much snow you're one mean slut
SCOTT FESCHUK March 12, 2008

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Bitch,

Are you for real?

We know it was wrong of us to stand idly by and let Al Gore show all those explicit photographs of what you're going to look like 30 years from now. But seriously — ease off. Enough with the apocalyptic downfalls of snow mixed with ice pellets mixed with freezing rain mixed with snow pellets mixed with the frozen tears of sedentary Maclean's columnists who just can't lift the shovel even one more goddamn time. I'm not saying I'm totally sick of winter, but see that animal's head mounted above my fireplace? Say hello to Punxsutawney Phil. Shadow-seeing bastard had it coming.

In Ottawa, we're closing in on the all-time record snowfall of 444.1 cm — a mark that has stood for almost four decades. Spring seems as far off as Jessica Alba's Academy Award. How bad is it in the nation's capital? I have to wear an avalanche beacon when I go out to get the paper. The local TV weather guy has the eerily distant look of a soldier with post-traumatic shock or a teenage virgin who's been left alone with Charlie Sheen for seven minutes. And at press time Scatman Crothers was desperately trying to get here before Jack Nicholson attacks my family.

Word is you've been kinder to other parts of Canada. Calgary was pushing 12 degrees this week. The mercury in Whitehorse hit the positive numbers. And Winnipeg reportedly made it a record six straight days without a single mosquito joke. But you continue to treat Ontario and all parts east as your own personal snow globe.

We've tried to have patience. Some of us have also tried patience's little helper, Xanax. But look what you've done to us. We're a quivering mass of shattered nerves, deadened eyes and extended middle fingers. Our arms ache from all the ice-scraping. Our eyes sting from the unrelenting glare. Our brains atrophy from hours spent staring at the shelves of the local DVD shop and trying to remember which of the Ernest movies we still haven't seen.

What's eating you, Mother Nature? Is it us? Listen, we all still have regrets about those 1970s commercials for Chiffon margarine — the ones with the catchphrase, "It's not nice to fool Mother Nature." The special effects were cheesy at best and some of those woodland creatures really phoned in their performances. And yes, we bear a collective responsibility for failing to punish Hollywood for callously having you portrayed in films by not only Phyllis Diller but also Bette Midler. Next time, Scarlett Johansson in a fig leaf. We promise.

But you need to lighten up. Winters like this — they're not something that humans are built to endure. In that way they're like all Robin Williams movies since 1987. We can't take the physical strain of trudging through this much snow. We can't take the mental strain of driving on impassable streets. And we can't outrun the yetis who've come down from the hills to feast.

What's that you say? If we don't like it we should go somewhere warmer? Oh you'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love us to go to the airport so you can hurl another 50 cm of glistening white misery at us. We'll end up like those people on the news who spent half their March break in line at the departure-lounge Sbarro.

I always pictured you as a nice lady, sauntering through idyllic forests, bluebirds chirping merrily as they fluttered around your head. Maybe you'd stop now and then to enjoy a leisurely cup of tea with other famed anthropomorphized figures such as Jack Frost or Andy Rooney. And then you'd be on your way to cuddle a cute bunny rabbit or make the sun shine out of Barack Obama's ass.

But it turns out you're one mean slut. So much snow has fallen this winter that hell itself has frozen over — and you know what that means: now Rob Schneider gets to star in another movie. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature: first 410 cm of snow; next, Deuce Bigalow III: Gigolo Harder.

You and I have had our differences before. As one who sweats profusely under certain conditions, such as sitting quietly at room temperature, I wasn't too wild about the summer of 2005. By late June I was technically classified as an estuary. But this is different. This is worse. This winter has worn me down like a Rosie O'Donnell opinion. And to think this is the thanks I get from Mother Nature for spending 90 whole minutes cleaning up that riverbank that one afternoon 20 years ago when I was trying to hit on that enviro-chick who never wore a bra.

One last thing: because of the snow and the cold, I haven't been able to take down the Christmas lights yet. But with you in mind I did manage to rearrange them to spell, "Up Yours." We know it's not nice to fool you — but there's nothing in there that says we can't punch you in the face.

Sincerely,

Everyone

I HATE WINTER!

I hate snow, winter, cold, down-filled coats (even though it keeps my mighty warm), boots, gloves, hats, shovelling, shivering and generally all things associated with winter!

I am officially raising the white flag - You win winter! You have kicked my ass mightily and you are the winner! Now that you have won - can you please leave and let spring come! Pretty please with a cherry on top!

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Ok, I get it, really I do! I live in a country where we have winter. But that godamned groundhog didn't see his goddamned shadow and now we have 6 more weeks of this crap. I am so tired of snow, cold, winter, snow, cold, shovelling, snow - well you get the point.

Last night, after we landed from Houston (where it was warm!) we drove home from the airport in a blizzard, we (that is Wilson) shoveled a foot of snow so we could get into our driveway last night. He pulls a muscle in his back and then I (yes me!) shovelled 6 more inches of that blasted white stuff this morning. To top it all off, the damn snowplow came and deposited a foot of that shit back at the end of the driveway - so I had to shovel AGAIN! (on the plus side, I am wearing my JCrew green and white polka dotted wellies when I shovel - so my feet look fab!)

Spring - this is a message from a sick and tired girl in Canada - get your ass here as fast as you can! If you don't, I will not be held responsible for the consequences!

SNOWED IN!

Wilson and I were supposed to be winging our way to Houston today for a conference but alas Mother Nature had other plans. She decided to drop a foot of snow over Southern Ontario and cancel our flight. On the plus side - am sitting at my dining room table, in my pjs with my fuzzy slippers on, surfing the net, ooops I mean working.

We leave tomorrow on some convoluted flight plan but we will get there. And the best part - no snow and sunshine!

As the commercial used to say - "It's not nice to fool with Mother Nature!"

AN OPEN LETTER TO WINTER

Dear Winter,
I know that you come for a duration of time, once a year and I know that I live in a country that is north of the equator. Taking all of that into consideration, I would like to inform you that I am tired of all of your baggage - tired of snow, wearing more layers than one human ever should, being forced to wear a coat that looks like a sleeping bag, getting out of bed and being cold, walking the dog in the dark of night when it is only 5pm and the list could go on.

Please, with all due respect - go and bother another country and let me where pretty clothes, open toed shoes and bare legs.

Seriously winter - go the fuck away!

Kind regards,
DiDi

WHAT IS A MOM TO DO...

I now really feel like a mom! Arthur has kennel cough - which sounds a lot like croup. Apparently as I have since found out - this is 'kennel cough season'...who knew??? It is like a bad dog cold with a horrible cough that makes you think your sweet puppy is about to die. Then you feel like you are about to die as you get NO sleep! Then the drugs are seemingly making Arthur forget all of his housetraining. I am afraid to have a shower - and let me tell you I need one for fear that Arthur is going to pee on my shoes or something.

And on top of it, I am very PMessSy and hate everything and everyone. Frankly I have enough of a hate on right now that if there is someone that you do not have enough hate for - let me know, I have extra hate and can spare you some.

I do not know how real moms do this with live children - who actually talk back and everything. It is all I can do to handle this small puppy some days and not murder all and sundry around me. Wine certainly does help - A LOT!!!!!!

I will stop whining now and go back to trying to work from home. Thank you Internet for allowing me to whine AGAIN!

Whiny, pmeSy kisses to all
DiDi

BORED!!!!

I am so bored of all the bullshit that I have to do at work that I can't conceal it anymore!!!! Here is a short list of the things that I would rather be doing than be here:


- anything
- playing with Arthur
- drinking wine
- anything
- having a massage or mani or pedi or all of the previously mentioned items
- anything
- sticking a pencil in my eye
- walking dogs with Mellie
- playing with Arthur
- anything


I am not sure if I have made it clear how little I want to work anymore. However the lottery is not cooperating with me. Where is the money tree from which I can help myself? Why doesn't my husband make so much money that he looks at me and says with great affection "I make so much money that you do not have to work if you do not want too!" (that is a bit 1950s for me but still a nice fantasy).

I either have to find a new way to make money, win the lottery or shut up and quit whining about it. I know which option I will have to choose...

Bored kisses to all,
DiDi

PS - walked the dogs with Mellie last nite! Much fun and hilarity ensued as we watched our dogs frolic and play. And then we ate sushi!!! Loved it and want to do it again soon!