DREAMING OF BIGGER THINGS...

Do you ever daydream about what it would be like to win the lottery?  It is a fun exercise to play when the work doldrums gets you down.  Here is my wish list:

$50,000 Lottery win
- $25K to retirement savings
- $25K to retiring all debt
with the resulting lovely tax refund that would come from my deposit to retirement savings, that would go on my mortgage

$100,000 Lottery win
- $25K to retirement savings
- $25K to retiring all debt
- $50K to mortgage (that would take YEARS! off)

$1,000,000 Lottery win (this one is fun...)
- mortgage gone
- debt gone
- retirement savings caught up
- $25 k in home improvements - new appliances, redo kitchen, redo front stairs, new floors
- $600K in investments
- $100K in an educational trust for nieces and nephews

I would still have to work with all of the above but the fear of eating cat food in my old age would go away.  Anything over $1,000,000 would just mean nicer shoes, more savings, maybe a new house but really, it would just mean the freedom to make some fun choices.  
Try it some time - it is a really fun exercise to do when the blahs get you down!

Enjoy!!

GOALS

I am procrastinator - like no one you have ever known.  If I don't want to do something, I will find any reason not to do it.  My procrastination is at an Olympic level....However, I have reached a new low with my procrastination and it is affecting a number of areas of my life - mainly my weight and my finances.  How do I change a life-long habit of procrastination - I am going to set some reasonable goals to start with milestones and once those goals are reached, set some new ones.  Also, I have always been a big believer of write down your goals and look at it often - this helps to keep you accountable, if only to yourself. Here goes....

Weight
- back to the gym, with the target of 3 times per week
- cut the crap (mainly sugar) out of my diet
- wear my FitBit again to track my steps and exercise
- first weight loss goal - 10 lbs
- no booze during the week so that I sleep better
- try and eat a small breakfast in the morning - even if I eat it at work

Finances
- stop buying my lunch every day
- give myself an allowance every pay
- stop buying stuff I don't need
- speak to a financial counselor

Maybe, just maybe by writing these first steps down, I will be better than I have been in the past.  All I know is that I need to make these changes in my life for my own good and my mental health.  I may not make these goals every week, but at least it is a start.  The big 50 is looming and I don't want to start my 2nd act of my life with these same bad habits I have always had.  

LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL...

Dear Universe,

In the spirit of putting it all out there and going after what I want, here is what I would like in a future partner:

1. Smart – doesn't have to have an off the charts IQ but no one wants to be with an idiot
2. Funny – doesn't need to be a comedian but be able to find the humour in most situations.  Be able to laugh at himself. 
3. Kind
4. Financially stable/successful
5. Can communicate his feelings/thoughts without me having to hitch an F-150 to them and drag them out of him
6. Is a happy person – more positive than negative, good perspective on life.
7. Able to be a partner
8. Decent relationship with ex – doesn’t have to be best friends but should be able to talk/work things thru without lawyers and/or screaming matches
9. Loves his children and has a good relationship with them
10. Able to prioritize – not just work and responsibilities, but the people  in his life.  If he has kids, they are always a priority but able to make me feel like one as well. 
11. Tall enough – doesn’t need to be 6’ 4”, but I would prefer not shorter than me without high heels
12. Affectionate
13. Strength of character
14. Have ethics and a sense of justice
15. Roots for the underdog – doesn’t have to be all the time but sometimes is good
16. Be able to stand up for himself – even if his opinion is the unpopular one
17. Good kisser
18. Good in bed
19. A dog person
20. Good with families
21. Good with people with disabilities
22. Loves to travel
23. Open to adventure
24. Open mind
25. Is ok with my crazy, demanding job
26. Has a life of his own, friends of his own  and wants the same for  me.  
27. Doesn’t sweat the small stuff – we all do occasionally but has enough life experience to know when to fish or cut bait. 
28. Wants to get married again
29. Knows what he wants and goes for it
30. Can keep a secret/be discreet
31. Has dealt with his issues from previous relationships and knows himself. 
32. Is not ugly – please let him not be ugly.  I know that this is really shallow, but come on, I have to look at this face for the rest of my life.  I would like it to be somewhat attractive.
33. Knows that romance, the true kind and not the Hallmark version, is incredibly hot
34. Knows how to listen

I know that this seems like a paragon of virtue but he has to be out there somewhere, someone who has most of these traits. 

Universe, thank for hearing my request.  I will continue my search until I find the one that makes my heart skip a beat and wants want I want - to love and be loved in that crazy, inconvenient, all-consuming way that real love is.  

HELLO...IS THIS STILL ON? IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

I took a break because I felt like I didn't have anything left to say but what I have found, is that I need a place to put some thoughts.  So here I am, 4 years older and hopefully wiser, and still needing to quiet the noise in my head.  

So much has changed and yet nothing has changed.  I guess that is life.  

Here we go again...

Diane aka DiDi

A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

A letter to my younger self

I have been thinking about this a lot – what would I do different if I could go back and do it all over again, or what do I have now that I wish I had back then…so I thought I would take a moment to write to my younger self

Dear Younger self,

This is the older version of your wanting, if in some way to go back in time and have a do-over on some experiences – mainly high school and some of my twenties.  But since that is not likely to happen, here is what I wish I could tell you from the future…

1. Ignore the bitches in high school.  I know that you think that they matter but they really don’t.  Mean girls are not, in any way better than you.   
2. Exercise – it really is important and a good habit to cultivate. 
3. Use sunscreen every damn day.
4. Never, ever let any boy make you feel that you have to do something you want to do.  You get to decide what you want to do with your body and when and with who.  Any boy who does not accept your answer and continues to pressure you is an ass and is not deserving of your time or affection.  It does not matter how cute he is or how popular.  Also no matter what he says he will not die if he does not get into your pants. 
5. Remember that you are smart and never let anyone let you feel that you are not. 
6. Math, the complicated kind with lots of letters and symbols – will never be your strong suit and that is OK.  There are lots of ways to be smart and doing complicated equations in your head is just one of them.  However, it is kind of important so ask for help or get a tutor.
7. Your sense of humour will get you through just about anything. 
8. Find something that you love to do and go for it.  Don’t let fear hold you back from trying new things. 
9. Always try to make the best decision for you at the time.  Should this decision contravene what someone else wants to do with you or have you do for them, have the strength to do you what is important to you. 
10. Learn a 2^nd language. 
11. Be yourself at all times.
12. Know that you are always enough.  You don’t have to do more or be more or try harder to make anyone happy. 
13. When you have sex for the first time – it is not like a Harlequin Romance.  This is not to say that it is not fun or great – but the books can be a bit misleading. 
14. Travel.  And not to the all inclusive kind of place, although those are fun but to far off places that you read about in books.  See as much of this world as you possibly can so that you know that you live in a truly great country.  There is no feeling like that of getting on a plane and looking forward to an amazing vacation and there is also no feeling like that of coming home. 
15. Loving someone else is the best gift you can give yourself and also the greatest risk you can ever take.  You grow when you love someone else and even though you will get hurt, you learn something with every relationship.  Take the risk – it is worth it.
16. Most importantly – love who you are and have fun. 

You will go onto have great friends and experiences and have a great life.  You will be loved and be heartbroken but you will survive and thrive.  You will find in yourself abilities that you would never have imagined that you would have and do things that will amaze yourself.  You get one shot at this life and the best advice I can give you is to enjoy every damn moment.  You should always remember that remember that “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out. 

With love,

Your future, older self

WHAT 2010 TAUGHT ME...

Being that 2010 has been the year of the most change ever in my life it has also been the year that has taught me the most about myself.  So what did I learn last year – here goes…

1. Change does not kill you.  It may make you feel damn uncomfortable and/or make you wish for death but in the end, you don’t die from it. 
2. That I hate the saying “that which does not kill you makes you stronger”.  I was pretty damn strong before and people saying that to me all the damn time made me want to kill THEM.  
3. Also, I hate the phrase that ‘time heals all wounds’.  For the record – never say that to a recently separated woman.  Time gives you the needed distance from your warring emotional state to get perspective and objectivity.  Eventually you start to heal but when I was 2 weeks post conversation with Wilson, all I wanted to do was punch people when they said that to me. 
4. Divorce is effing ugly.  No way around it on that one.  However, staying in a marriage where your husband no longer loves you is even uglier.  And as ugly as my divorce was, I am grateful that it was just me and Wilson and that we did not have kids that had to go thru this with us.  
5. I have learned that there is no end to the kindness of friends and family.  When the chips are down and you feel like you are just going to sit down in the middle of the road and go no further because your legs won’t carry you, they come along and carry you for a while until you can walk on your own again.  Because of these amazing people in my life, I was able to find my way back to being a ‘me’ from a ‘we’ and do so with a fair amount of grace.  I know that without them, I would not have been able to do this without the help of some little blue pills.  And for that, I am forever grateful.
6. Pretty shoes ALWAYS make me feel better.  
7. Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to you.  It may feel like it at the time but all it does is make you split the stuff in your house and pay a lawyer.  The only thing that died was your marriage - and for that I am grateful.  My parents, family and friends are all still alive and healthy and so am I. 
8. Love is truly blind and divorce reveals all.  It is amazing to see what becomes of the person that you loved (and I am sure that Wilson would say the same about me) thru this process.  
9. I learned that even though you divorce someone, you never wish them ill.  I loved Wilson truly, madly and deeply.  That love really doesn’t go away - it just kind of mutates into something indefinable.   Oddly enough I never hated him - my girlfriends do enough for 10 people and that is kind of funny for me.  I no longer love him as I did but I don’t want bad things to happen to him.  Truthfully – that one kind of surprised me a bit.  Doesn’t mean that I don’t think he is an ass, but I don’t want him to be a hurt, maimed or dead ass.  
10. I have learned that nothing lasts forever.  
11. I have learned that marriage is a living, breathing entity that needs daily care.  While there are days, weeks, months where it seemingly is going so well that it takes care of itself – that is when it needs the most care.  Because if you take are of your marriage when the times are the best, it will pay off in spades when you hit a rough patch.  
12. Change is inevitable.  
13. Change for the most part is good – cleans out the old, the dark corners, the musty smell.  No one really likes to go into those dark corners – you have to face the demons that live there, the truth that in fact, you helped to create mess, the dark corners, the musty smell.  Hopefully you learn enough thru the change to recognize when you are doing it again and stop it or if you are really smart, to never do it again.  
14. The only way your marriage can survive is if you both change in your marriage – at roughly the same pace – and acknowledge each other’s changes.  Nobody stays the same person forever and if we don’t stay the same, how can we expect our marriages to remain static.   
15. I don’t need to be rescued or saved or protected.  I do need to love and be loved, cherish and be cherished and care and be cared for – and knowing this makes me even surer that I will meet someone who feels the same way.  I am not sure why – I just know that I will.  That is what sustains me through this dating journey I am on.   
16. I used to be afraid of trying – now my motto is ‘feel the fear, do it anyway’.  Fear used to stop me from trying, doing, changing.  Now, I am going to try and I may fail spectacularly or I am succeed just as spectacularly.  Who knows but I will never know unless I try.  So this year I am going to jump out of a plane, get SCUBA certified and who knows what else.   Look out world - here I come!
17. That I am a strong, confident woman.  I always knew that but now, after learning the above, I am unstoppable.  And that, is the best thing I have learned EVER!

So what did you learn in 2010? 

STILL HERE

Work = Crazy times but wanted to wish you a wonderful 2011 Internet!  Here is to a better year for all of us - Lord knows we all deserve it!

Back at you once this craziness calms down!

ODDS AND ENDS...

So far, so good on the Christmas spirit this year.  Am feeling very positive and up beat - perhaps this has something to do with having my shopping done and wrapped this year - in record time! 

Toronto got hit by its first (!) round of crappy weather this weekend.  Raining during the day and then snow and it all froze.  So consequently, I skiied down the driveway this morning, in my high heels no less all while screaming and making the neighbours laugh.  I managed to stay on my feet but just barely.  God I hate winter and yet I continue to live where we suffer through this season for the better part of 5 damn months.  I should not complain considering what is happening in the midwest - are you enjoying being snowed in Muffy?

Work is busy but good and I am off to Denver for New Years again this year to visit wonderful friends.  The NBB is hanging in and keeping me company and all that I love are healthy and happy.  All in all, a much better end to my year than beginning and I feel that 2011 is going to be my year! 

And no, I have not yet had a cocktail today so my holiday glow is not wine induced...yet!