HOLIDAY WEEKEND

Here is the summary of my holiday weekend:

• planted, planted and then planted some more - and still have more to do
• shopped for the last time at Pottery Barn with a 40% discount. Thanks B - the last 7 years have been kind to me. But seriously - do you have to quit?
• consumed LOTS of wine
• one hangover
• one take out dinner due to aforementioned hangover
• watched a lot of TV due to rain ALL weekend and aforementioned hangover

What didn't we do?

• get to spend ANY time on our boat because it was too damn cold and rainy ALL damn weekend

Trying not to whine because it was a good long weekend - just wish it had been a tad warmer! However - a 4-day work week is utterly divine! Happy Tuesday everyone!!

STUPID THINGS I HAVE DONE THIS WEEK

I am VERY well known amongst my gang of friends for being the loud, klutzy, spilly drunk friend who occasionally does stupid things - mainly to myself. See below for this week's stellar examples of my unparalleled examples of my own stupidity.

• punched myself in the face this morning. Why you might ask, I was fixing my collar and my hand slipped. And now my jaw hurts.
• tried on 4 different tops, settled on one and realized as I was driving away that not only did I not change my bra, but I did not put on the camisole and so I have showing my boobs off to the entire office building today.
• Was playing soccer with the dog last night and twisted my ankle. I know that I am not athletic AT ALL so why do I try to do these things. And yet, even though my ankle hurts today I am wearing heels.

I just realized dear internet - THE ABOVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST 24 HOURS! Good lord - I am beyond hope. In my head I am the ever graceful Audrey Hepburn. In reality - I am Bozo the clown!

The next time you see a girl walking down the street with a stain on her shirt, her bra showing and limping, please be nice to her - it is probably me!

SUMMERTIME - AND THE LIVING IS EASY....

There are a couple of things that I love and to me immediately evoke memories of sunshine, heat and all things summer. One is soft serve ice cream and the smell of sunscreen - you know the kind that smells like beach and coconut.

I grew up on a farm and there were no soft-serve ice cream trucks that went through the neighbourhood with the kids screaming after them "Ice creeeaaaammm!!! Ice creeeeaaaammm! - a la Eddie Murphy. However, when I moved to the city after college, I was quick to discover their delights. I love me this treat - always a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate - and allow myself only 1 per summer or else I would weigh 400lbs. I have tried to like the other flavours - chocolate or the vanilla chocolate swirl - but I always go back to the my tried and true favourite. As I was driving home today, I drove by one of those trucks, with his annoying music playing, and all I wanted to do was scream out the window "ICE CRRREEAAAMMMM!" but then EVERYONE in my neighbourhood would know for sure that I am a total lunatic!

The sunscreen smell is heaven on earth to me. Alas, due to my pale skin, Hawaiian Tropic doesn't work for me but I am like our dog Arthur around the BBQ when someone is wearing it - constantly sniffing the air. It totally takes me back to high school, sitting in the sun on our spare periods all greased up and trying to get a tan. Little did I know then that tanning and I would never have a relationship.

With our first long weekend of the summer coming, all I can think about is sitting in the sun (with my Ombrelle 30 on and a wide-brimmed hat) sniffing the air for the scent of coconut and my ear cocked for the sound of the ice cream truck. I can't wait!

A CASE OF THE CRANKS...

I have a bad case of the cranks - and I mean bad! Last night, I was such a complete bitch to Wilson. Seriously - it was an unprecedented level of bitchiness. I scared him a couple of times so badly with my overall bitchiness that he was afraid to answer my questions because he was worried that he would answer wrong. Which was probably a wise move.

I tried everything I know to get the cranks to go away - wine, wine and more wine, cheese, chocolate and nothing worked. I did not have a chance to try the surefire cure - shoe shopping which we all KNOW would have worked its usual miracle. However, I wake up this morning and dammit all - the cranks are still here. Thank Jebus that the crossing guards were gone by the time I drove through the neighbourhood this morning because I might have run one of them over.

Wilson might seriously consider leaving me if I come home again as grumpy as I did last night. However if he were a smart man - he should just point me back out the door and send me to the nearest mall with the instructions "Do not come home until you buy a pair of shoes that gets rid of the cranks!". I know that will NEVER happen but a girl can dream. And of course because of the cranks - the fact that I know it won't happen makes me cranky.

It is a cranky connundrum - what is girl to do!

WHAT HAVE I BECOME...

As I was driving into work today, there were a number of instances that made me go hmmmm...

- man in bright yellow car (we know what he is over compensating for!) comes roaring up behind me, passes me and then cuts me off and then got caught at the red light that I was slowing down for. My first thought was - "All that hurrying and it got you nowhere!" My second thought was - 'Mom get out of my head!"

- he then takes off like a crazy man - passing as many cars as aggressively as he can and my third thought is "let's hope that jackass doesn't kill someone while he rushes to nowhere". Again my mother says this (I never use the word jackass - asshole is more my vernacular) all the time and I had to come to the realization. GOOD LORD! I AM TURNING INTO MY MOTHER!

I knew that after spending my formative years with my parents that there would be some residual effect on how I think, act, etc. but this crap is kinda scary! Does this mean I am going to start reading Danielle Steele in hardback and loving it? Or taking up scrapbooking because it is fun? Or making conversation with complete strangers in the grocery line? Or going to church - REGULARLY? Or not gossiping EVER and cleaning up my trucker mouth? And GULP! does that mean I would have to give up drinking? OK - just breathe because we all know the last 4 will NEVER happen!

Being more like my mother would make me a much nicer person but I think my friends would run screaming for the hills looking for their gossipy, bitchy friend who drinks far too much!

Thank heavens I got to work and started slacking the minute I got here. I felt all normal and not mom-like because my mother would never slack off EVER.

WHEW! That was a close call!

HAPPY CHEESE DAY TO ALL

We here at our office - decided that there are not enough holidays to celebrate so we invented one and believe that will be come a international sensation. It is called Cheese Day - The Holiday with Culture!

To celebrate this holiday is VERY easy. You must first decorate - every house has cheesy items that need to come out and be on display. Secondly - you must play the music of Cheese Day -every one's CD collection or iPod has cheesy music within it - anything from the 70s qualifies. (Secretly I was hoping that David Hasselhoff would hear about our holiday and make an appearance as he is the Grand Master of Cheese - but alas, he is to busy trying to resurrect some kind of career.) Lastly you go and buy copious amounts of cheese - all different kinds and then add in some nice crackers and Presto Cheeso! you are ready for Cheese Day!

I am off to go and enjoy some fromage with friends and hope that all of you do the same. And don't forget the Cheese Day slogan - Cheese Day - It's Cheesetastic!

PS - I know that those of you who are lactose intolerant feel that this holiday should not be celebrated as much as it is - and to you I say, take a Lactaid and join in. Cheese Day is for everyone!

A GOOD START TO MY DAY

This may make me seem petty but I got whistled at by a construction worker this morning and DAMN! if that did not give my spirits a lift and make me walk with a bit more wiggle to my hips. I am 41 and this shiz does not happen with the regularity that it used to.

So today I am loving the construction workers around my office! (this will last only until they hold up traffic and then I am all about the honking and back to being pissed off at them)

Happy Thursday to all - just one more sleep to the weekend!